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			A Field Guide to Cars
			  and their Drivers


When you're driving, you know that there are some cars you just don't want
to be behind. Here is a list of them, ranked from least to most offensive.

Ferraris being driven by anyone over the age of 80.
These drivers have always wanted a Ferrari and now that they are going to
die soon, they've got one. Unfortunately, the spirit is willing but the
flesh is weak. They don't have the leg strength to push in the clutch,
so must drive around in 1st. Fortunately, this still amounts to 60 MPH.

Corvettes driven by middle-aged men.
Something of a mystery. Why buy a sports car, even if it's only a 'vette,
if you won't exceed the speed limit?

Volvos.
Volvo drivers are not actively obnoxious, but it's real hard to get something
with a power-to-weight ratio approaching 0 to move.

Dodge Omnis with large, turbocharged engines.
These drivers don't quite see how 'weight transfer' and 'front wheel drive'
are related. When the light changes they briskly apply all 500 HP, burning
the rubber off the front tires within 15 feet, thereby blocking the
intersection.

Plymouth Reliants.
These are only driven by people with a mental age exceeding 70. They know
that somewhere in the Bible it says 'Thou Shalt Not Exceed 40 MPH.'
Most annoyingly, they also remember something about 'Be Thy Brother's Keeper'
and so will do anything possible to keep you from passing them. Fortunately,
this isn't much, unless you are driving a Volvo.

Subarus.
Subarus are owned only by radical eco-freaks who are convinced that the
gas pedal is a plot hatched by the oil companies and the military-industrial
complex and thus refuse to use it. Many go so far as to have it removed.
Knowing that truth and justice is on their side, they feel no guilt in
taking 5 minutes to accelerate to 30 MPH and will scream obscenities
and make rude gestures when passed.

Similarly, there are some cars you definitely want to stay behind.

Toyota pickups.
These are owned by only by yuppie cowboys who don't realize that no
real cowboy would own a Jap truck. Secretly embarrassed by all of their
friends that can afford BMWs, they try to drive like they owned a
Bimmer, too. You can usually find these vehicles firmly attached to telephone
poles.

Japanese 'sports cars'.
These silly people actually believe the advertising that they see on TV,
and think that the Japanese have a long history of fine sports car development.
These people also think that since their car is so wonderful, they must be
too. You will frequently see these cars applied as thin films to the
rear of Toyota pickups, or caught in the grilles of semis.

Lamborghini Countachs.
Well, you sure as hell won't be able to get in front of them.

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