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Editors Note:

Here it is folks, the oneliner file. Over the past year, I have received several short submissions that were mildly funny, but not quite good enough or topical enough to merit their own posting. I have collected them all for you, and it's time to flush the buffer. These vary in quality quite a bit, and are not rated.

Please don't take this as an invitation to send me your own favourite one liners. There are thousands of these things in the world, and I don't have time to sift through them except on an infrequent basis. Remember, one joke per submission.

My advice is to read this file slowly if you can, one joke at a time. Oneliner jokes are often ruined if read together in a bunch.

1. A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. Voltaire said, "This is no time to make new enemies."

Heard on National Public Radio:

I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway.

In pioneer Utah, Morman girls tended to marry Young.

A feature is a bug with seniority.

"How can you waste beer like that!! Don't you realize there are sober chilren in Africa!!"

Seen in an article in the Wall Street Journal--

"Mommy, do all fairy tales beginning with `Once upon a time'?"

"No, dear. Nowadays, lots of them start with `If I am elected...'."

Here are more of the ever-popular daffynitions. I have never seen this particular group before, but I won't swear that they haven't been around. I don't know the original source; this was mailed to me by a friend.

Apple - Typically a device to seduce men, usually equipped with a display screen

File - What your secretary does to her nails when the computer is doing all of the work

Loop - a method of execution no longer in vogue, except in Iran.

MegaHertz - a VERY large car rental company

Real Time - Here and Now, as opposed to Fake time which occurs there and then

X-Possible-Reply-Path: jxh@cup.portal.com (Jim Hickstein)

Bankers' Hours: That part of the day when it is too hot to play golf.

Have you met the "bud light" couple? She tastes great, and he's less filling!

Who was the first computer expert ever?

Eve, because she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.

[This article is reprinted from Pedantic Monthly with permission of the editor.]

The following laws are assembled from a variety of sources too numerous to cite. We thought we should say that lest you think we made them up, assembled them for the first time, or something like that...]

• Faber's Law: If there isn't a law, there will be.
• Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself(or doesn't know any better).
• Ross' Law: Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance.
• Secretary's rule of meetings: The time taken up by a meeting will always be at least 5 times the time needed by the secretary to do the job.

(From a recent Newsweek.)

Milton Berle, at his 80th birthday party:

"I feel like a 20-year old! Unfortunately, there aren't any here."

What's the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky is when you use a feather; Perverted is when you use the whole chicken.

(from Artie Partyfinger - another CA origineted joke)

Q: How can you tell if your roommate's gay?

A: His dick tastes like shit.

John Paul 2 is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing his lips to foreign soil on his arrival. This sparked some wit to remark:

"The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on the women!"

Good things come to those who gain weight

"I'm not saying Reagan is senile, but they now let him pre-board Air Force One."

-- Dennis Miller

A. Noah's Ark was made of wood; Joan of Arc was Maid of Orleans.

Did you hear about the new bird dog bra?

It turns setters into pointers.

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