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*THE FOLLOWING BIT IS PROUDLY SPONSORED BY W. SHAKESPEARE INTERNATIONAL PLC*
He jests at scars that never felt a wound.
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
WHAT?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon
IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!
Who is already sick and pale with grief
WILL YOU PISS OFF - WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP
That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she
I'M WARNING YOU, IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP...
Be not her maid, since she is envious.
I'M GONNA COME DOWN THERE, AND SMASH YOUR BLOODY FACE IN
Her vestal livery is but sick and green
WILL YOU PUT A BLOODY SOCK IN IT?
And none but fools do wear it: cast it off
I'M GOING TO CAST YOU RIGHT OFF THIS BALCONY IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL
It is my lady, O it is my love
LOOK, ONE MORE STANZA OUT OF YOU AND I'LL CALL THE POLICE
O that she knew she were
HELLO, POLICE?
She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that?
THERE'S THIS BLOKE OUTSIDE
Her eye discourses: I will answer it.
HE'S BABBLING ABOUT SOMETHING OR OTHER... SOME GIRL HE GOT INTO TROUBLE
I am too bold: 'tis not to me she speaks.
PROBABLY A STUDENT - YES... HIGH AS A KITE NO DOUBT, OR DRUNK LIKE THEY ALL ARE
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,
WELL, HE'S GOING ON ABOUT STARS IN THE HEAVENS OR SOMETHING
Having some business, do entreat her eyes
THANK YOU OFFICER.
To twinkle in their spheres till they return.
RIGHT! THE POLICE ARE COMING. NOW WILL YOU SHUT UP?
What if her eyes were there, they in her head?
SHUT THE F*** UP!
The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars
OH GOOD. HERE THEY COME.
As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven
RIGHT, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM
Would through the airy region stream so bright
WOULD YOU MIND KEEPING THE NOISE DOWN, SIR?
That birds would sing and think it were not night
WELL I'M AFRAID IT IS NIGHT SIR, SO COULD YOU BE A BIT QUIETER?
See how she leans her cheek upon her hand!
OR I SHALL HAVE TO ASK YOU TO ACCOMPANY ME TO THE STATION
O that I were a glove upon that hand,
RIGHT SONNY, THAT'S ABOUT ENOUGH OF THAT
That I might touch that cheek
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR A BREACH OF THE PEACE
Let go of me arm, pig!
Coming up soon...
- Romeo and Juliet - A Court Case
- we ask the question - just what compensation did Lady Macbeth receive?
- And we follow Richard the Third in his search for a chiropractor.
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