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These Oracularities were rated as the funniest by its readers (average rating above 4 on a scale of 1 to 5).
The regular Oracularities postings can be found in alt.humor.oracle.
Why did God invent relativity?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Well, it all started on March 12, 1867. Me and Lucifer and God and Death and a couple of other guys got really hammered, see, and we were shooting dice together, and Luci was really cleaning up. (I still think the dice were fixed, but I don't know for sure.) Anyway, God got low on cash, and Luci got this idea that he'd stake him, but if God lost, he'd have to let Luci rewrite some laws of physics. Naturally, God didn't like the idea, but Luci suggested that me and Thanatos could help, and eventually agreed to the idea (did I mention we were all extremely plastered?). Anyway, God lost, and me and Luci and Mr. D went into the next room and stayed up all night deciding what we should do to the universe (and drinking beer and laughing and barfing from time to time).
The next day, after the three of us had managed to uncross our eyes, we got out the notes we'd scribbled the night before, scraped most of the puke off, and tried to puzzle out our handwriting. It was pretty incoherent (and some of it, especially the "rubber sheet theory," was kind of perverted) but a deal's a deal, and God made it all officially natural law.
He learned his lesson though. To this day, he never plays dice with the universe. Monopoly sometimes; never dice.
You owe the Oracle a good hangover cure.
How can i learn to play the fluet?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
The fluet is an instrument with a great tradition; it was played by the anceint Egyptains, The Romasn and the Greeks. In its most primitve form, it consists of a simlpe tbue of wood with several hoels cut along its lenght. By blwoing in the topmots hoel, you can produce a most Sepulchrla Toen, one which so characterizes teh wonderful fluet. Finally, it is by rapid figner motiosn across the otehr hoels that you are able to produec a Wied Vareity of Toens, each Supulchrla in nature but which as a whoel also form a great Harmoyn. It is for thsi Harmoyn that you strive.
Godo lukc ot yuo.
I made some cookies the other day. They were chocolate chip. When I put them in the oven, the chips leaped out of the cookies, jumped onto the floor, and ran out of the house squeaking. I had to eat the cookies without any chips. They were terrible. Why do you think this remarkable event occurred?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Hmm. Mutineering chocolate. Obviously they were trying to jump chip.
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