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Pre-Relationship Agreement

The party of the first part (herein referred to as she/her)
being of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following
with the party of the second part (herein referred to as he/him).

1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship
(colloquially referred to as the first date or match up), each party
agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent
children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases,
strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships
with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further each
party agrees to make known any deep-seated
mother/father/brother/sister complexes and fanatical obsessions with
pets, careers, or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures
will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before
it has a chance to get anywhere.

2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the
person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the
"matchmaker") blameless in the event the "fix-up" turns out to be a
"real loser" or "psycho bitch." (For definition of "real loser," see
"John DeLorean: My Story," available at most bookstores; George
Hamilton at one of Imelda Marcos' parties; or any picture of Bob
Guccione in Penthouse. For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon
Stone in "Basic Instinct," or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")

3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed
past the first "fix-up" both parties mutually agree to use the
following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the
first thirty (30) days both parties consent to say they are "going
out." (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.)
Following the first thirty (30) days said parties may say they are
"seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an
item." Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the "first date"
either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or lover"
and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple." Under
no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little
woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady"
acceptable.
Further, if both members of the party consent, this timetable may be
accelerated; however, if either party "gets too serious" and
disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the
relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again
be said to be "on the market."

4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days both
parties agree not to ask questions about the others whereabouts on
weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable
demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no
"rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six
weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing
in action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give
up."

5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days both members of
the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work
pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. A minimum of three (3)
phone calls will be made between the two parties during the working
day, and each party will attempt - with best efforts - to originate
50% of the phone calls.
Additionally, for the first two weeks all dates will be made at
least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running
off in the middle of the night" to console an old girl/boyfriend,"
and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me"
from their vocabulary. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each
member of said relationship agrees to attempt at least one
spontaneous "home cooked meal" and will arrange the delivery of at
least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-
five (45) days both parties will return to their normal
personalities.

6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that - respective gross income
aside - "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters,
and breakfasts until:
(a) He considers her suitably impressed,
(b) we are broke, or
(c) He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!"
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom,
which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand
at the time.

7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother
to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship
progress to the point where the couple spends more then five nights a
week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between
their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides
will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or
roommates.
Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at 7:30 in the
morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at
her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and
assisting with household duties. (By the same token, she agrees to
respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess.") (Especially since
we tend to excel in this area!)

8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member
of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use
of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a
family?" and -- using archaic terminology--"Let's get married."
Additionally, each party agrees to love, cherish, honor, and defend
the other party's right not to meet his parents.

9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree
not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs,
cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but
not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will
result in the other party using the "G" word . . . "Gone."

10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds
for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
(a) Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
(b) Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex- used to do
that same thing";
(c) Suggesting - no matter how kindly - that the other
member should seek "help";
(d) ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst
thinks you are..."; and
(e) complaining more than twice about the contents of the
other party's refrigerator (or lack thereof) .

11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup each party
reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all
of the following phrases:
(a) "You'll never find anybody better";
(b) "Nobody could ever make you happy";
(c) "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; and
(d) "My analyst thinks you are .. . ." (Psychosis to be
filled in at the proper time.)

12. MISCELLANEOUS:
(a) Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes'
notice before terminating said relationship;
(b) Both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as
the relationship appear to be "on the rocks";
(c) At the termination of said affair:
(1) both parties agree to be mature and return compiled
socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys,
personal undergarments with all due haste through an
impartial intermediary;
(2) each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72)
hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's
friends;
(3) both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other
for a period of at least seven days (bedroom
performance included), and further consent to use one
of the following nebulous terms in the description of
the breakup:
"The timing wasn't right";
"He/She wanted more than I could give";
"He/She was too involved in his/her career";
"He/She decided to go back with his/her
(a) girl/boyfriend;
(b) last lover;
(c) hometown;
(d) therapist."

13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup - no matter what - both
parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot."

[Note - reportedly from "Nice Guys Sleep Alone" by Bruce Fierstein - ed.]

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