| RHF Joke Archives | 
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------------ Fifty-One -- Last Words of 1995 -- Sports------------
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1. The Star's Rick Fraser, in a story setting up a fight
between heavily favoured Billy Irwin and outclassed
opponent Lee Cargle, whose record read 29 wins and 46
losses:
"They might need to keep playing the national anthem to
keep this guy on his feet."
2. Dennis Rodman was sued by a former Atlanta Hawks
cheerleader, who alleged the basketball star gave her
herpes. During the trial, Rodman told the court:
"I'm very particular about who I sleep with."
3. During the baseball strike Cleveland traded five
replacement players to Cincinnati for future
considerations. That prompted this response from then
Reds manager Davey Johnson:
"Cleveland got the better of the deal. They didn't get
anybody."
4. Russian defenceman Viacheslav Fetisov took in his first
major league baseball game in Arlington, Texas, this year
but didn't stay long:
"Two innings. One hour. I leave."
5. A similar story unfolded when another Russian, Alexei
Zhamnov, took in a minor league ball game in Winnipeg.
Midway through, Zhamnov asked incredulously:
"Do they shower after this?"
6. A sign at the San Jose Arena near the end of the 1994-95
regular season:
"All the Kings' goalies and all the Kings' men couldn't
get Wayne to the playoffs again."
7. Pirates broadcaster Steve Blass on Pittsburgh
replacement pitcher Jimmy Boudreau, who last played
professionally in 1986:
"He should have been better, pitching on 3,195 days
rest."
8. New York Ranger forward Nick Kypreos was asked by customs
officials if he had anything to declare upon re-entering
the U.S. after the lockout ended. His response:
"No, the owners took it all."
9. Tommy Lasorda, on former Los Angeles Dodger catcher Mike
Scioscia:
"If he raced his pregnant wife, he'd finish third."
10. Figure skater Toller Cranston, 45, who broke an ankle in
warmups, on why he won't let it end his career:
"I have no intention of retiring in such a modest,
inconspicuous way. If I break my leg, it's gotta be at
least in front of television cameras."
11. Brent Gates of the Oakland A's heard his teammates
talking before Dennis Eckersley recorded his 300th save
and asked:
"Do you think they'll stop the game for it?"
12. Orlando's Shaquille O'Neal responding to Dennis
Rodman's charge that O'Neal doesn't rebound as well as he
should:
"My responding to Rodman is like talking to a Bugs Bunny
doll. I don't like to talk to Loony Tunes."
13. Yogi Berra was asked if he wanted his pizza cut into
four or eight slices? His reply:
"Better make it four. I don't think I can eat eight."
14. Cedric Ceballos of the LA Lakers when asked about his
chances of being voted a starter in the NBA all-star
game:
I don't know. But I know my hands are tired, from
stuffing the ballot box."
15. Charles Barkley on why he wants to beat the
Philadelphia 76ers by 100 points:
"Ex-teams are like ex-wives. Deep, deep down, you know
you can't stand them."
16. Someone asked replacement player Brian Ahern if he
was the ace of the Blue Jays staff after Toronto named
him to start their first pre-season game. Ahern's reply:
"I don't know. Maybe it's because my last name starts
with A."
17. George Foreman, when asked whether he worries about
brain damage:
"Anybody going into boxing already has brain damage."
18. Jim Riggleman, new manager of the Chicago Cubs:
I try to have respect for people in general, whether it's
baseball players or low lifes like the media."
19. Former boxer Art Aragon, the original Golden Boy:
"I'll never forget my last time at Madison Square Garden.
Hundreds of people were screaming for me. I must have
sold 250 hot dogs."
20. Comic Robin Williams after watching his first hockey
game between Vancouver and San Jose:
"It's so quick and so brutal and I'm just in shock. I'm
amazed that people don't keep screaming: `911!'"
21. San Francisco 49ers linebacker Gary Plummer on his
team's awesome offence in the Super Bowl:
"Most offenses take what the defence gives them. Ours
takes what it wants."
22. John Andretti, after finishing 492 gruelling laps at
the tough North Carolina Speedway in Rockingham:
"Racing 492 laps (at Rockingham) is like going to a gang
fight, and your gang doesn't show up."
23. When New York Ranger defenceman Ulf Samuelsson was
asked who he thought was the dirtiest player in the NHL,
he responded:
"Can I vote for myself?"
24. LPGA player Elaine Johnson, after her shot hit a tree
and rebounded into her bra:
"I'll take a two-shot penalty, but I'll be damned if I'm
going play the ball where it lies."
25. The Brewers held a Jim Gantner day this year and
someone remembered the former major league star once
said:
"I hung around the house last winter, but I did take a
hunting trip to one of those Canadian proverbs."
26. Amy Perinutter of Manchester (N.J.) high school after
pinning Hawthorne's Catrina Carriales in the state's
first all-female wrestling match:
"I was pumped up for this match. I didn't want to lose to
a girl."
27. Detroit Lions quarterback Scott Mitchell underwent
tests after feeling lightheaded in a game against
Minnesota and later reported:
"They checked my head out and found I had a brain. That
was real encouraging."
28. Tim McDonald, San Francisco 49er strong safety, on
why he does not wear an earring:
"My mother said that's the first step to becoming a
woman.
29. Jane Fonda after the Atlanta Braves won the World
Series:
"It's the most exciting day I've ever had with my clothes
on."
30. Pittsburgh coach Rich Donnelly, when asked if the
Pirates were a young team:
"We had our father-son game the other day. Our guys
thought they were supposed to call their fathers to come
in for the game."
31. Ruth Wysocki, 38, who finished seventh in the women's
500 metres at the world championships, once said of rival
Mary Decker Slaney:
"I've beaten her under three different names --
Kleinsasser, Caldwell and Wysocki."
32. Minnesota Twin Kirby Puckett, whose team had the
worst record in the majors at one point last season:
"There are lots of peaks and valleys in this game. We're
in a valley -- Death Valley."
33. Jack Nicklaus, on growing old:
"Trouble is, I want to play like me -- and I can't play
like me any more.
34. From former Argo quarterback Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius
is somebody like Norman Einstein."
35. Chicago Bulls coach Phil Jackson, when told that
parents were complaining about buying their kids No. 45
Michael Jordan jerseys only to have Jordan switch back to
No. 23, replied:
"Buy them books."
36. A public address announcer for a Jacksonville, Fla.,
hockey team had this advice for fans after two deceased
octopuses sailed on to the ice:
"For the fans who are throwing the octopus, we have no
problem with you doing that but before you bring them out
please boil them ahead of time so they don't stick to the
ice."
37. Cleveland Browns broadcaster Doug Dieken, who played
14 years with the team, on the team's move to Baltimore:
"It's too sad to even be a country-western song."
38. Toronto Maple Leaf coach Pat Burns had this to say on
the flat terrain of Winnipeg:
"It's the only town where you can watch your dog run away
for three days."
39. Mickey Mantle, near death before receiving a liver
transplant, said one person who called him was former
Yankee teammate Yogi Berra:
"Yogi said he was gonna come to my funeral because he was
afraid I wasn't going to come to his."
40. When Mike Keane was traded to Colorado along with
goalie Patrick Roy, someone remembered Keane's prophetic
quip when he was named the Canadiens' captain last April:
"Around here the C stands for see ya later!"
41. Martina Navratilova, on her exhibition match with
Monica Seles, who was making her first appearance in a
tennis event since being stabbed: "She beat me, and I
ain't no slouch potato."
42. Josee Chouinard, who has a history of falling, had
this to say after failing twice at Skate Canada in
November: "I felt like a Zamboni out there."
43. Dennis Rodman on the belief that team chemistry is
overrated:
"Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college,
where you figure out two plus two is ten, or something."
44. Shortly after Mark Lamping was named president of the
St. Louis Cardinals, he proudly told his 12-year-old son,
Brian, about his new job. Brian's response:
"Dad, (the Cards) stink. All of the kids at school are
going to make fun of me."
45. Britain's Nick Faldo is back on the PGA Tour for the
first time since 1989 and said he misses European beer.
"Drinking American beer is like making love in a boat.
It's close to water."
46. Boxing promoter Dan Duva said he wasn't surprised
that Mike Tyson aligned himself with Don King after
coming out of prison:
"Why would anybody expect him to come out smarter than
when he came in. He went to prison for three years, not
Princeton."
47. When author Bud Shrake suggested to Harvey Penick,
the late, great golf teacher, that they collaborate on a
book, Penick was sceptical. Later, Shrake called to say:
"Good news! They say they'll publish it! Seventy five
thousand dollars!" Penick looked worried and said:
"I don't think I can afford to pay that much."
48. Manager Jim Leyland of the financially strapped
Pittsburgh Pirates:
"People ask me why we didn't sign (pitcher) David Cone.
Heck, we can't even afford an ice cream cone."
49. Dr. Phil Rizzuto, after the former Yankee shortstop
was awarded an honorary degree by Hofstra University:
"This is out of my realm. My God, they speak the King's
English I'm from Brooklyn."
50. Former Blue Jay Todd Stottlemyre when he joined the
Oakland A's:
"I'm amazed at how quick they've made me feel welcome. I
mean, there's a lot of guys on this ball club I've
probably hit."
51. Maria Bottone on her finances as she trains for the
U.S. Olympic fencing team:
"There's always too much month at the end of the money."
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Compiled by
Bob Finlay
E-mail: bfinlay@pathcom.com
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(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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