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Subject: THEORY of EVERYTHING!

One day soon, the theory of everything will arrive and gravity
may come under our control. Life will never be the same ...
Here are some headlines from the future:

MISSING FLIGHT  -  NEWS
Latest news reports confirm that passengers on Flight 303
to Tokyo are alive and well - but not in this galaxy.

MACY'S CLOSED BY FLYING FISH
The New York department store was closed yesterday when a flying
fish partially demolished the building. This one was a 200-ton Blue
Whale. Japanese fishermen are known to be angry over a ban
on whaling.

NO CHANGE AT NEPTUNE
The recent proposal to move Neptunes moon Triton from its
retrograde motion around the giant planet, and into a prograde orbit,
has been rejected by a senate Sub-Committee. Claims that the
retrograde motion was untidy have been dismissed.

MOON RETURNED TO EARTH ORBIT
Careful manoeuvring by NASA scientists has at last returned
the Moon to its former orbit around the earth. It had been found
orbiting Uranus after mysteriously disappearing last week.
Teenage hackers who broke into a NASA computer are thought
to be the cause.

MacDOWELLS PROMOTION
Is it a balloon? people were asking this week after a large
circular object was spotted tethered to the one of the hamburger
chains eateries. In fact, it was 1,000 pound Al Stuffit on his first
outing since increasing weight  - and gravity - confined him to his
bed when his weight exceeded 500 pounds. With his new Hughes
Aircraft Anti-Gravity Belt, he can get about once more. His burgers
and Big Max are placed in a bucket which he hauls up. He eats free,
but only at MacDowells. But he doesn't want people to think his life is
devoted to gluttony - MacDowells only open 8am to 11pm. Similar
sightings have been reported in other cities and it is understood that
a race is on to become the world's heaviest man. The winner will
gain a valuable prize - a permanent place in earth orbit, where bone
fractures are unlikely.

WORLD'S FIRST HOTEL WITH NO BEDS
Hughes Aircraft Company have announced the acquisition of the
Hotel Astor in Acapulco. All 600 beds have been removed and distributed
among the poor. Future guests will be supplied with Anti-Gravity Belts
and will simply float up to the ceilings, which have been specially padded
and fitted with pillows. The disaster at the experimental Las Vegas sleep-in,
when 700 gamblers plunged to the floor without warning at 3am will not
happen in Acapulco, where frequent power cuts are a worry.
Emergency power supplies are being installed.

WEIGHT LIFTER DISQUALIFIED
Olympic gold medallist Alwyn Upheave has been disqualified from the
Wagga Wagga Olympics in an anti-gravity scandal. A search revealed
secret Hughes Aircraft Co gadgets concealed in his navel. An officlal said:
"We would have believed it if he just added a couple of pounds to the
world record - but this guy tried to kid us he could hoist twelve tons. We
were very suspicious."

LONDON BUS FOUND IN CRATER ON MOON
One of Londons famous red double-decker buses has been sighted in
a small crater in the Sea of Tranquillity. This is the latest in a spate of
disappearances which have been blamed on students. Other buses
have been found orbiting Jupiter, frozen in the polar ice, inside Fort Knox,
on the White House lawn, at the summit of Mount Everest and one landed
in the middle of the pitch at Yankee Stadium during a Superbowl game.

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