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[Editor's warning: Some profanity and "mature" situations, but not enough for a rotation. You've been warned.]

Dear SysOp:

I am a new uzer. I am ate yearz old and I have just gotten my first modem. I like to download lotsa files as long as you don't hafta upload in return. Pleez give me access on your bord.

Joe Blow.

Dear Joe:

I have given you minimal access in the kiddie file and message areas. We suggest that you learn to spell and learn your proper place in this community before attempting higher levels of access.

SysOp

Dear SysOp:

I kant figure out how to D/L [note user's discovery of BBS abbreviations]. I have tried to use XModem with no sucsess, and then I tried ZModem and everything went kablooie. Please help me so that I can download your good filez.

Joe Blow.

Dear Joe:

You're an idiot, but we like you. We think you have potential. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to teach you how to use the file section, but you're going to learn to use it by UPLOADING [imagine teary-eyed face cringed with fear at this prospect]. Next time you log on, page me to chat and I'll show you how to upload a file.

The SysOp

Dear SysOp:

Okay.

Joe Blow

[ Transcript of first chat with SysOp follows ]

Select [M, F, E, C, P, G]: P

Paging your SysOp! . . . . . . .

The SysOp is here!

Hello, Joe!

NO CARRIER [ Joe hangs up, torn with fear ]

[ Transcript of second chat with SysOp follows ]

Select [M, F, E, C, P, G]: P

Paging your SysOp! . . . . . . .

The SysOp is here!

Hello, Joe!

[ Long pause ]

Heelo.

Do you want me to show you how to upload, now?

[ Another pause ]

Yes.

Okay...I'll walk you through it.

Exiting chat ...

Select [M, F, E, C, P, G]: F

Select [U, D, C, L, F, S]: C

Change to which area? 1

Changing to upload area (1).

Select [U, D, C, L, F, S]: U

Select a protocol

<X> XModem
<Y> YModem
<Z> ZModem

The SysOp is here!

Okay, Joe. Tell your program you want to upload by pressing PgUp when you want to start the transfer.

Exiting chat ...

Select [X, Y, Z]: X

Enter filename to upload: APROGRAM.ZIP

Begin your upload procedure...

1 file(s) transfered successfully!

The SysOp is here!

See, that wasn't so hard, was it?

Nnno.

Well, to download, you do the same thing in reverse.

Okay! Cool!

By the way, what was it you uploaded, anyway?

I don't know...I got it from one of my friends. It's something called a virus.

NO CARRIER

Dear Joe:

I looked at the program you uploaded. If you ever upload a virus again, I'll kill you slowly, and your little dog too. You have a lot to learn, kid.

The mildly pissed SysOp

PART II (one year later)

Dear SysOp:

I uploaded those files you asked me for. My upload ratio is now better than my download ratio. Can you pleez let me in on some of the better file areas?

Joe

Dear Joe:

Okay. I think you deserve it. I'm going to let you into some of the other file areas.

By the way, don't upload anything that has the words "cracked by" on it anymore. I could get in big trouble.

By the way, a protocol is a way to transfer files, not a matter of etiquette.

The SysOp

Dear SysOp:

Okay. I just thought you might like that game. Something about those Amazon Women just appeeled to me.

Joe

Dear Joe:

You skip school to call here, don't you? Can't you call somewhere else for a change?

The SysOp

Dear SysOp:

You mean there are other BBSes out there? Why didn't you tell me about them before?

Joe Blow

Dear Joe:

You never were this annoying before. Try the "Weirdo's Hideaway," 555-6543.

The SysOp

[ The user does not call for 7 weeks, as he discovers other BBSes ] [ Eventually, he decides to call back and batch upload all the warez ] [ That he collected on his leech festivals ]

Dear SysOp:

I learned how to phreak last week! It's a lot of phun and you don't have to pay when you download philes [ it is obvious that the kid has been calling California boards, where they spell all "f" sounds with "ph"]. Among the warez I'm uploading to you is a program called Code Thief. It will help you phreak too!

Joe

Dear Joe:

Phreaking is a bad business. Don't you think they can figure out where those calls you are making are coming from? They can. I suggest you stop before you get yourself and your parents in trouble.

Your SysOp

Dear SysOp:

What's wrong with phreaking? It's not like it's illegal or anything.

Joe.

Dear Joe:

You're so full of shit, you stink.

Your SysOp

Dear SysOp:

One of my friends that I met on a board in California [ see! we told you ] had something happen to him called "getting busted." What does that mean?

Joe

Dear Joe:

It means that he was arrested. Probably for phreaking. He'll probably tell the feds that you phreak too in order to get a lighter sentence. You're f*cked, kid. In fact, I'll probably delete you from here in case the feds start sniffing around.

The SysOp.

[ When the kid logs on next, he sees the following message ]

Two four six eight, who do we appreciate?

NOT YOU, NOT YOU, YEAH!

Your access has been lowered to sub absolute zero. You are nothing. You can do nothing. Don't ever call here again or we'll shoot you with lime jello and throw you in a bathtub with Roseanne Barr.

NO CARRIER

Just kidding.

NO CARRIER <click!>

PART III

[ About a month later, the kid calls the board under an assumed name ] [ By assumed name, I mean that the SysOp can do nothing but assume ] [ that it's the little leech. ]

Dear SysOp:

I am a new user and would like lots of access so I can upload and download. I don't use message bases because I think they're stupid.

Joe Blow

[ the kid realizes his mistake in putting his real name and tries in ] [ vain to use the message editor so he can remove his name and put ] [ in his alias ]

***

[ He fails miserably and winds up with: ]

Joe Blow Assumed Name How the Hell???? NO CARRIER

W d h i I ? a d o t d

Dear Joe:

You haven't learned anything in the past two years have you. You're an a$$hole. If you have a dog, I hope it dies.

F*ck you.

Dear SysOp:

What do you mean? I am a new modem user. I have never called a BBS before.

Assumed Name.

Dear Assumed/Joe/Whatthef*ckeveryournameis:

You're a little liar. Go to hell and don't ever call here again or I'll r*pe your sister.

Eat me.

Dear SysOp:

My sister's only 5 years old.

[ SysOp breaks into chat ]

The SysOp is here!

That's all the better. I'll bring my shoehorn!!!

NO CARRIER

PART IV, in which the kid stops calling the board for a time to lay low. In the interim, the feds have come to his house to question him. He cracks under their interrogation and spills everything. The little shit names the BBS he has been calling for the last two years as his favorite computer hang out. How stupid. He must be a cabbage or something.

After cracking under the pressure of the FBI he calls the SysOp to warn him and to make ammends. He fails miserably. NO CARRIER.

Dear SysOp:

I just thought I'd warn you that someone tipped the feds off about your board and that they'll be coming to question you about your illegal activities. Maybe you should go into hiding.

Joe Blow, Shit...how do you edit a line...fuck fuck fuck.

Dear Joe:

You little prick!!!!!! What the hell did you tell them. I don't run no illegal board. I think I'll shoot you AND r*pe your sister and kill your little dog, too. As a matter of fact, I'm on my way. Shit, there's a knock at the door. It BETTER not be the feds.

F*ck you eat me suck my dick you little f*cker.

PART V, in which the kid and the SysOp make a court appearance and exchange heated words.

The courtroom is filled with credit card frauders and phreakers, much to the SysOp's dismay because it makes him look bad. The only thing that keeps going through his mind (driving him nuts) is "Good morning, the worm, your honor." He wishes he had a shotgun so he could shoot the kid. He does, however, have his shoehorn.

PROSECUTOR: Mr. SysOp, you have a user on your BBS system named Joe Blow, is this correct.

SYSOP : No, I used to, but I locked the little shit out.

DEFENSE : Objection your honor, he's a little prick, not a little shit.

JUDGE : Sustained. Mr. SysOp, I will kindly ask you to keep your answers truthful.

[ Welcome to hell. How DO you like it??????? ]

KID : I'm not either of those things!

JUDGE, PROSECUTOR, DEFENSE, SYSOP, in unison : YES YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!

[ the kid shuts up ]

KID : He sells stolen credit cards!

JUDGE : Is this true, Mr. SysOp?

SYSOP : Absolutely not! The kid's a liar!

PROSECUTOR: Your honor, we would like a recess to build a case against Mr. SysOp.

SYSOP : WHAT? You're going to believe this little f*cker?

DEFENSE : OBJECTION!

JUDGE : Sustained! The court has already established that the little f*cker is a little prick.

DEFENSE : Your honor, we move for a mistrial!

JUDGE : F*ck you, this court is in recess.

[ The trial drags on and the kid's parents are finded copious amounts]
[ of money, and the SysOp goes to jail for credit card fraud because ]
[ the kid couldn't think of anything else to say about the SysOp to ]
[ save his ass. ]

Two years later, the SysOp got out of jail, but was promptly sent back on charges of r*ping a seven-year old girl, shooting the kid, and killing a little dog. He was sentenced to die in the electric chair, but went with a big grin on his face.

The kid went to hell, where all little leeches eventually go. His sister went to hell too, and sold shoehorns for a living.

SysOps: THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU! Don't let nine-year-olds on your BBSes! Ban the little leech!

This message was brought to you as a public service by someone who KNOWS!

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