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Tonight on channel 4 (and, now that they've thought of it, coming soon
to the other networks):

		THE TV NEWS SHOW AWARDS

With presentations in the following categories:

* Most airtime achieved with under two seconds of videotape

* Best coverage of fellow news cameramen

* Most inane comment by a reporter

* Most normal comment by a weatherperson

* Best creative use of totally indiscernable video

* Best use of under-15-second pointless "human interest" story 
  with teasers before each commercial break, totaling at least 
  5 minutes of air time.

Broadcast live in timezones where ratings wouldn't be higher if
tape delayed.


Then, stay tuned for the ultimate awards show! Yes, it's ...

		THE FIRST SEMI-ANNUAL AWARDS SHOW AWARDS

Recognizing artistic achievement in the entertaining presentation of 
pointless awards. Some of the award categories:

* Best acceptance speech (in person)

* Best acceptance speech (prerecorded)

* Best acceptance speech (on behalf of the recipient)

* Best video effects during commercial breaks

* Best theme music adaptation to studio orchestra

* Best reading of cue cards (individual)

* Best reading of cue cards (group)

But don't go to sleep yet! We know you have no life! That's why we'll
have in-depth interviews with tonight's winners and losers on the
late news!

[Where do those TV announcers get all those exclamation marks 
 from, anyway?]

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