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A blank survey form was recently crossposted to several newsgroups which cater to people who communicate via long distance by use of the net (muds, irc, email, usenet, etc). It was made for email replies but Tony Quirke posted his hilarious follow-up back to the net. I figured others might also find this amusing so I'm submitting it here with Tony's permission:
[Disclaimer: this may appear anti-religious. If you're easily offended, stop reading NOW]
laflamm1@muvms6.wvnet.edu writes:
> This is a survey aimed at Intenet users who have, are or will
> participate in Lond Distance relationships. If you wish to
> participate in the survey, please fill out the questions below and
> mail it to: laflamm1@muvms6.mu.wvnet.edu with the subject: SURVEY
> RESPONSE.
> 1) *What is your name?
Mary.
> 2) What is your gender?
Female.
> 3) What is your age?
Uh, lessee. It's 1993 now, so I must be ... 2019 years old. Never did
get used to these newfangled Saudi numbering systems.
> 4) What is your occupation?
Mother. Oh, and Virgin.
> 5) How may LD relationships have you had?
One, and was it a doozy !
> --The next few questions concern the person with whom you had a
> relationship with. If you have had more than one, please choose the one
> which you consider to be most important and representative in forming
> your opinions of Long Distance relationships.--
> 6) What is his/her age?
All I got out of Him was "I {bo AM} !"
> 7) His/her occupation?
Creator.
> 8) How and where(where may be virtual places like MU*s, IRC, USENET,
> mail, etc..etc) meet him/her?
I looked up one day, and there was some joker with wings carrying a
message from him. Celestial Express, I think he was.
> 9) What are/where your feelings towards this person?
At first it was all right. But I've given birth, seen my son executed,
gone through eons of adoration by the Catholic Church, and I *still*
haven't had any sex ! Joseph was a dead loss.
> 10) How often do you or did you talk or write one another?
I don't talk to Him anymore.
> 11) How far do/did you live from one another and did they ever move
> closer or vice versa?
Uh, I moved up to his mansion, but it's got many rooms in it, so we're
about 500 gogolplex lightyears apart.
> 12) Have you ever visited one another, and if so, how freqently, and how
> did you feel about one another after the first visit.
He never did ! Not once ! And me bearing his kid, too !
> 13) How long did it last?(Simply enter n/a if this doesn't apply)
Nine months. Oh, you mean the relationship ? All my life.
> 14) What was the ultimate result?
A dead end job with no chance of promotion.
> 15) If the relationship eventually failed, why do you think it failed?
> If is succeeded, why do you think it suceeded.
Well, He thinks it succeeded. He got a Son outta it. Me, I've gone
off men entirely. I'm thinking of joining a Sister's Collective in San
Francisco.
> 16) How would you say that particpating in LD relationship has molded
> your view of them?
I'm not allowed to swear over the Internet.
> 17) Would you do it again?
See previous answer. No.
> 18) If you had a friend who was contemplating getting involved in such a
> relationship, how would you advise them?
I'd suggest they go see Shiva, or Brahma, or one of those nice Eastern
Dieties. Now they know how to treat a lady !
> --This ends the questions. If you feel that you have anything else you
> would like to say about the subject, feel free to include any other
> comments you thing might be saliant. Thank you for your time--
Jerry, Jim and Tammy, He's expecting the royalty cheques. So far, you
seem to be keeping all the money for yourselves. AND He's seen what you
get up to when you think He's not looking. Dress lightly for your funerals,
dears, you're going someplace warm...
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