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Wackos, FBIncompetents, original, funny!

andrewt@cs.wisc.edu (Andrew Thomas-cramer)

(topical, chuckle, original, religion)

These are some memos found in the trash behind the primary building of the FBI (Federal Bureau of Incompetents) in Washington, D.C. They're probably classified information, and possession of them on your computer system no doubt is considered a federal offense. Enjoy!

>To: FBI Director William Sessions >From: ATF Agent 2x3276 >Sir: This small Wacko cult isn't giving in. Do you have any instructions? Agent 2x3276

>To: ATF Agent 2x3276 >From: FBI Director William Sessions >Agent: Try playing "Feelings" over and over again 24 hours a day. That should get the point across. The Director

>To: FBI Director William Sessions >From: ATF Agent 2x3276 >Sir: Thank you for the suggestion. Unfortunately, playing "Feelings" over and over again 24 hours a day has succeeded only in convincing the Wacko folks that the end of the world is at hand. They're a bit less cooperative now. Any more suggestions? Agent 2x3276

>To: ATF Agent 2x3276 >From: FBI Director William Sessions >Agent: Add searchlights at night. And add to the playlist something by The Partridge Family. Still The Director

>To: FBI Director William Sessions >From: ATF Agent 2x3276 >Sir: They like the Partridge Family. Agent 2x3276

>To: ATF Agent 2x3276 >From: FBI Director William Sessions >Agent: Sickos. STD

>To: FBI Director William Sessions >From: ATF Agent 2x3276 >Sir: We're getting bored out here. Can we go in now? Agent 2x3276

>To: ATF Agent 2x3276 >From: FBI Director William Sessions >Agent: Not until we've wiped their reputation a bit. Notify the reporters about Koresh's sexual abuse of young, baby frogs. The Director and Producer

>To: FBI Director William Sessions >From: ATF Agent 2x3276 >Sir: We have no substantiated reports of sexual abuse of young, baby frogs. Agent 2x3276

>To: ATF Agent 2x3276 >From: FBI Director William Sessions >Agent: Do you have a point? The Brilliant

>To: FBI Director William Sessions >From: ATF Agent 2x3276 >Sir: Unsubstantiated rumors of baby frog abuse will not withstand scrutiny. Agent 2x3276

>To: ATF Agent 2x3276 >From: FBI Director William Sessions >Agent: What scrutiny are you expecting, agent? Who's going to stand up for a cult leader who's abused baby frogs? Better than Brilliant

>To: FBI Director William Sessions >From: ATF Agent 2x3276 >Sir: We've had a tiny accident at the compound. Agent 2x3276

>To: ATF Agent 2x3276 >From: FBI Director William Sessions >Agent: How tiny? Better than Brilliant, but slighty Worried

>To: FBI Director William Sessions >From: ATF Agent 2x3276 >Sir: It kind of like, burned down. Sort of. Sir. Agent 2x3276

>To: ATF Agent 2x3276 >From: FBI Director William Sessions >Agent: Notify the press the cultists committed mass suicide by burning down their compound. Brilliant, Almost Godlike

>To: FBI Director William Sessions >From: ATF Agent 2x3276 >Sir: We haven't gathered any evidence at all yet, let alone of a mass suicide. Pretty Good Agent 2x3276

>To: ATF Agent 2x3276 >From: FBI Director William Sessions >Agent: Do you have a point? Try to remain more formal in your memos. The BAG Director

>To: FBI Director William Sessions >From: ATF Agent 2x3276 >Sir: No sir, thank you sir. Agent 2x3276

>To: FBI Director William Sessions >From: President Billy Bob Clinton >Will: What the hell are you folks doing over there? Bill

>To: President William Clinton >From: FBI Director William Sessions >Sir: Just doing our best to maintain law and order on a cult of baby-frog-abusing Partridge Family fans, sir. Director Sessions

>To: FBI Director William Sessions >From: President Billy Bob Clinton >Will: Oh. Okay. Mr. Bill

>To: Members of the Press >From: President William Clinton >Dear Members of the Press: The FBI has informed me of a tiny error they've made. I take full reponsibility. It wasn't my fault. The President

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