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(BY David Halfacre ,HALFACRED@CITADEL.EDU)

TOP TEN WAYS TO BE OFFENSIVE AT A FUNERAL

10. During the eulogy, do a banzai charge on the coffin with a can of
        gasoline and a Zippo and "bury" the deceased "Viking Style."
 9. Ask the widow if her husband's job has been filled yet and leave
        your business card with her.
 8. Attach a beeper to the deceased and call it as the casket is being lowered
        in the grave.
 7. Bury the deceased with his cellular phone on and last dialed to someone
        in Borneo.(This works well everywhere except Borneo.)
 6. Get three of your female friends to show up at the church all claiming
        to be married to the deceased.
 5. Get Prince or 2 Live Crew to play with the church choir.
 4. Set up a hidden speaker system in the church and play GOD!
 3. Scream out from the back of the church to the widow, "GOOD NEWS!
        Your test results are back and you're pregnant!"
 2. Dress the deceased up like a pharaoh and bury him with his mummified cat.
        (Then serve the pickled cat organs at the widow's house after the
        funeral.)

AND ...
        THE NUMBER ONE OTHER WAY TO BE OFFENSIVE AT A FUNERAL ...

 1. Take the deceased bungee jumping one last time!!!

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