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I.M. Nepane
123 Main Street
Austin, Tx 70069


Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
1423 W. 90th
New York, NY 05016


Dear Sir;

        This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more
detailed explanation concerning my recent internment in Guadelupe Valley
General Hospital.  Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference
to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit).  On the
original form, I put "Stupidity."  I realize now that this answer was some-
what vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances
leading up to my hospitalization.

        I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite
to eat at the local burger joint.  I entered the bathroom, took care of my
bussiness, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my
trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such
places came undone and feel striking my knee.  Unthinkingly I immediately,
and with unneccesary force, returned the lid back to it's normal position.

        Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my
body which were still exposed where trapped between the devices lid and it's
main body.  Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back.
It quickly came to my attention that when one's privates are firmly attached
to an unmoveable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite
direction.

        Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to re-open the lid,
however, my slamming of it had been sufficent to allow the locking mechanism
to engage.  I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed
my keys from them.  I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with
one of my keys, thus extrcating myself.

        Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock.
Embarassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor
concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner
as I could.  An employee from the resturaunt quicly arrived and decided that
this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager.

        Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device
with her keys.  Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not
get her key in.  Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated
on your form in block 21(b)(1) ).

        After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police
officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 "On-the-Spot" news team. The
guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a
rescue operation.  The senior member of the team discovered that the device was
attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the
device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device
located in the stall next to the one that I was in, since the value of the
property destroyed in his examination was less than fifty dollars/my deductable
I did not include it in my claim.)  His partner, who seemed like an intelligent
fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall
with the propane torch that was in the fire-rescue truck.

        The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to
attempt to cut the device from the wall.  Had I been in a state to think of
such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall
several things would also inevitably happen. (1) The air inside of the device
would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same
effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. (2) The metal
in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with
the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet.  (3) Molten metal would
shower the inside if the device as the torch cut through.

        The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut,
in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small
pry bar to be placed inside of the device.  The EMS team then loaded me, along
with the device, into the waiting ambulance, enroute to my destination as
stated on your form.

        Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full
explanation of these events, and thus used the word wich I thought best
described my actions that led to my hospitalization.

                Sincerely,

                /s/ I.M. Nepane




Joke Source: Somewhere in the depths of my brain, though I based the format
somewhat similar to the letter about the construction worker and the load
of bricks.
                              ...jester | Ken Hiatt.

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