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To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
Disclaimer: You think I write all these? Hah!
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
What sort of budget did the creator have to work with??
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Good question, and it just so happens that I have a copy of the original budget request and approval notices as well as addenda:
-Date: October 16, 4.6 billion B.C. -From: The Creator -To: Office of Budgets and Financial Planning -Subject: Creation (Budget Request #1A)
This is in reference to the recent Creation meeting of July 3, 4.7 billion B.C. in which the groundwork for a universe was discussed. Per your recommendation I am submitting the following budget for your consideration.
(In thousands of $) Night and Day...1,575 Heaven and Earth...1,250 Plants... 500 Animals that swim, walk and fly... 800 Humans Man... 200 Woman... 200 Intelligence... 175 Office equipment Copy machine... 5 IBM Selectric Typewriter... 1 Miscellaneous... 2Total...4,708
I anticipate that this project should take 4 days to complete.
Thank you and I await your reply.
-Date: January 23, 4.5 billion B.C.
-From: Office of Budgets and Financial Planning
-To: The Creator
-Subject: Budget Request #1A
Your Budget for Creation has been approved in the amount of $4,632,000. We are cutting $75,000 off of the Human Intelligence line item and $1000 off of Miscellaneous office supplies.
This project is being funded for a period of 4 days.
-Date: June 12, 4.5 billion B.C.
-From: The Creator
-To: Office of Budgets and Financial Planning
-Subject: Budget Request #1A: Addendum
Due to a labor shortage (one of my archangels has left and taken many other workers with him to work on a competing project) I respectfully request an extension of 2 days.
In addition I have experienced difficulties with the contractor hired for the Human Development program and have had to send out bids for another Human Development contractor. Therefore I am requesting an additional $95,000 for this project.
-Date: December 3, 4.5 billion B.C.
-From: Office of Budgets and Financial Planning
-To: The Creator
-Subject: Budget Request #1A: Addendum
Project extension approved for 2 additional days. However we are unable for fulfill your additional budget request of $95,000.
Tell me O Oracle most wise in the ways of Personkind...
Do you get visual aids from eyeball sex?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Yes. Always remember to wear sunglasses when ogling broads on the beach.
Also, you may get hearing aids from letting your SO lick the inside of your ears. Whispering loving words into the ear of your partner is probably safe, at least if he/she/it wears ear plugs.
You owe the Oracle a GIF picture of Annie Lennox in the nude.
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Ok. That's it. This is the last time I'm putting up with this stupid question. I mean, EVERYONE asks this when they can't think of an intelligent, well-formed question for me to answer. I'm pissed. Really. I need a vacation. I think I'll go to the Bahamas. Yeah, the Bahamas. That's where all the oracles hang out for New Years. I hear the INTERNET oracle's gonna be staying at the Hilton. I'll book a room there.
<dial 1-809-4HILTON>
<ring.... ring... ring...... Hello, Bahamas Hilton, may I help you?>
Yes. I'd like to book a room for New Year's week.
<May I have your name please?>
The USENET oracle.
<OH!!! Mr Oracle!!!!! I have a message for you here! Let's see...... here we go.... "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?">
<click>
How does my modem work?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
It has a little gnome inside
Who would leave if he weren't tied,
Who reads your Macintoshes' screen
Of every dot and every gleam,
And in his little gnomish voice
Calls up his girlfriend named Joyce
And tells her everything you said,
In hopes that she'll take him to bed.
But Joyce to him will not put out;
To fend him off she tries to shout
And glum, the modem-gnome transcribes
Those manifestly evil vibes
And writes each one upon your Mac.
And yes, it is a kludgy hack.
You owe the oracle a screw, and half a plate of ratatouille.
Could you give me a poem about Lithuanian onion farms?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
The rhythm and rhyme will be a bit cockeyed, as it is (of course) translated from the Lithuanian. Juris trudges to the field of onions For to fetch Marta his love a sharp bouquet of onions, the vegetable of love. Marta, she will not see him, For she has many tasks this day. The life on the farm of onions is a work burden Marta, she will not see him, She kisses him and takes the bouquet, And then she must go stuff leaves in the mouth of her sleeping brother. There are many chores on the farm of onions, This is the way of life in sweet Lithuania This is the joy of the farm of onions.
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