| Browse the Best of RHF: "General Jokes 87-89" |

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet Oracle, as incarnated as its numerous e-mail participants (you know who you are). This collection was selected especially for rec.humor.funny by paul@media-lab.media.mit.edu, waksman@grad1.cis.upenn.edu (Adlai Waksman), bard@cs.cornell.edu (Bard Bloom) and myself, kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler).

[Ed: To explain further, any USENET user can send a question to the oracle. Questions are forwarded to a different Oracle participant who tries to come up with a funny answer, which is mailed back to the person asking the question, and posted to the net.]

What are those little "crumblies" on the bottom of an English Muffin, and why the hell are they there in the first place?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Well, I'm glad someone finally asked. Now I get to expose one of the most diabolical conspiracies of all time! These little "crumblies," as you so cutely call them, are actually the cocoons of tiny, genetically engineered parasites that, once you eat enough of them, invade your brain cells, especially the centers for speech and propriety, and make you start spelling words with extra letters and driving on the wrong side of the road.

Why is a cow?

And in response, thus spake the oracle:

Mu.

What happens to the rest of an uncompleted sen

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

g that happens to a sentence that starts in the middle.

RN GIVES NO INFORMATION OF HOW TO ADDRESS OR POST MESSAGES. CAN YOU HELP ME?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Gladly. Whenever you feel the urge to post or respond, just type 'q'. It'll save you from all the flames ABOUT WRITING IN ALL CAPS!

Will your answer to this question be in the negative?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Memory fault. Core dumped.

How did Man come into existence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Well, you see, God forgot to use a condom ...

You owe the Oracle three hickeys.

What if cows had opposable thumbs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Undoubtedly, they'd strangle Farmer JoeBob and the rest of humankind for centuries of slavery, slaughter and clumsy manhandling of their private parts--not to mention the humiliation of cow-tipping.

What does Dan Quayle eat for breakfast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

For breakfast, Dan Quayle prefers Vice Crispies.

Oh, Great Oracle! What dost thou do with thy newt's eyes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Hey, everybody!  Follow the bouncing ball ... 
  
Oh!  A newt's eye is a wonderful thing, 
It makes you laugh, it makes you sing, 
If you don't like the news I bring, 
You'd better go consult the I Ching. 

Why did the paper in my printer just get stuck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Because you dropped cookie crumbs into the print head. Listen! Printers do not eat cookies! Hard disks eat cookies. Printers eat ice cream--spoon it right in and soon your paper will be humming along like a car with sugar in the gas tank. (The CPU chips of IBM PCs like to have pineapple-and-ham pizza smeared all over them, but we all know that IBM is weird anyway.)

| Browse the Best of RHF: "General Jokes 87-89" |