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Last night, while grocery shopping, I found a rather unusual item on the shelves. After filling my basket with Stouffer's Yuppie Chow, I strolled down the cereal aisle, where I saw several boxes of a substance labeled "Nintendo Cereal System." I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. After all, cartoon characters have been "endorsing" cereals for years, so why shouldn't Super Mario Brothers get into the act?

I see tremendous potential here. What better way for an organization with a sociopolitical agenda to infiltrate the minds and stomachs of Americans than to deliver its message at the breakfast table? I have seen the future of public relations, and it is the gastronomic equivalent of a "sound bite." I, for one, would rather sit down to a bowl of whale-shaped granola than receive another one of those envelopes from Greenpeace marked, "Animal Rights Survey Inside--Please Complete and Return Within Ten Days."

Not surprisingly, I have a few ideas:

Golden Graham-		|The key to a balanced diet.  Need I say more? 
Rudmans 

Special KKK		|Even white supremacists need their minimum daily 
			|requirement of riboflavin.  Try it with some grits. 

Sugar Frosted		|The pro-choice cereal.  Stays crunchy in milk (or 
Fetuses			|saline solution).  Anti-abortionists will have to 
			|make do with a box of Life. 

Mothers Against		|Send in three proof-of-purchase seals and 
Drunk Driving Oats	|receive a free breathalyzer. 

Rifle Krispies		|Specially marked boxes contain armor-piercing 
			|bullets.  Cereal doesn't kill people.  People 
			|kill people. 

Rocky Tobacco Road	|Brought to you by the tobacco industry, this is 
			|the only cereal that simultaneously satisfies your 
			|cravings for chocolate and nicotine, so light up 
			|a bowl for breakfast.  Also available in menthol. 

Khokhomeini Puffs	|Some third world marketeer could capitalize on this 
			|idea in the aftermath of the demise of everyone's 
			|favorite mullah.  Woe be to the infidels who fail 
			|to start their day with a bowl of little chocolate 
			|ayatollahs!  Free "Death to America" decal inside! 

In case you're wondering, I picked up a box of Product 19. As far as I can tell, it's the only cereal named after a prime number.

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