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[Ed: A good issue with an above average number of acceptable bits ]

Hey guys & gals! Are you HARD UP? This simple quiz can let you know how hard you're going to have to work to get a Valentine. Score yourself as follows: 1 point for each A, 2 points for each B, 3 points for each C, and 10 points for each D.

1.  You are taking a guy/girl on a first date.  How much are you willing 
    to spend? 
    A.  Guest meal at campus dining services 
    B.  $5.00 for a few slices 
    C.  A nice Chinese dinner, maybe $25.00 tops 
    D.  The price of your physics textbook 

2.  Sitting on your dorm steps you spot a potential scoop.  Your first 
    course of action is to: 
    A.  Start up a lively, interesting conversation 
    B.  Use one of your favorite lines 
    C.  Propose a temporary marriage - say for the weekend 
    D.  Knock him/her over the head with your physics textbook and drag 
        him/her back to your friend's single 

3.  Your definition of "blue balls" is: 
    A.  A solid and a stripe in billiards 
    B.  Those little styrofoam things on the inside of a beanbag 
    C.  A painful need for a cold shower 
    D.  Fig. 42, p. 189 demonstrating variable density in your physics 
        textbook 

4.  If she says, "no" she means: 
    A.  No 
    B.  Probably not 
    C.  Yes 
    D.  She's gagged and can't answer 

5.  Attendance at campus dining services per 19-meal-a-week allotment 
    A.  0-10 
    B.  11-14 
    C.  15-19 
    D.  38 - You steal your roomie's card 

6.  Average time spent on toilet seat/day: 
    A.  2 min. 
    B.  4 min. 
    C.  6 min. 
    D.  Long enough to read a few pages of physics 

7.  Amount of time spent perusing the freshman face book/day 
    A.  2-5 min. 
    B.  5-7 min. 
    C.  7-10 min. 
    D.  Fall asleep with it 

8.  Qualifications for your blind date: 
    A.  No imperfections 
    B.  No boy/girlfriend 
    C.  No particular desire to be seen with you 
    D.  No sarcoma 

9.  Typical topic of conversation on blind date: 
    A.  Sunsets 
    B.  Bork 
    C.  How he/she's doing 
    D.  Robotics 

10. Typical conclusion to blind date: 
    A.  Bought a futon together 
    B.  Got phone number 
    C.  Lost him/her in crowd 
    D.  Temporary restraining order 

Results: 
10-20  You're doin' OK, dude(tte). 
21-40  Things could be better. 
41-60  Better watch yourself at social functions. 
61-100 Yessir, maybe a nocturnal trip to the petting zoo is in order. 

First locate your target. Your best chance of doing this is by going to one of those wild parties which result in pairs of bodies being strewn all over the stairs within a couple of hours of starting. However, since I never get invited to that sort of party, I'm blowed if I can see why I should help those of you who do. So I won't. So there.

Having located your target, the next step is to find out where said target lives. This is easily done by following her/him until you reach a door which they go in and lock. This will either be their room or the bathroom, and if you can't tell the difference then you're beyond hope.

Next you need to establish contact. Knock on the target's door, and when it is opened, say, "Excuse me, but I wanted to leave a message for so-and-so upstairs, but he/she/it isn't in. Can I borrow a pen and paper to leave a note please?" Having borrowed this, make sure that you leave something behind when you go. This means that you can go back and collect it sometime.

    DANGER SIGNS: A wedding or engagement ring. 
                  A photo of a stunning individual by the bed. 
                  The presence of a stunning individual in the bed. 
                  A very rapid ushering out of the room. 
                  Phrases such as, "Get lost, you pervert!" 

    GOOD SIGNS:   Him/her/it falling into your arms on your next visit. 
                  A return visit armed with red rose. 

As you can see, there are more danger signs than good signs, so if at first you don't succeed, don't worry...there are plenty more toads in the bog! A good strategy is ending up on the doorstep looking very pathetic, which can get you invited in for a coffee so you can work on your chat-up lines. One line you should never use if you want to leave their room with the same number of limbs as you went in with is, "Do you come here often?" It is the target's room after all.

HAPPY HUNTING!!!

A questionnaire to test your Valentine's Day eligibility. Section One is for women, Section Two for men.

Section One (Women):

1. When on a date, I like to go: 
   A) to a quiet dinner, a movie, and then straight home (+5) 
   B) to Burger King, to a drive-in, then to his place for 
      a few drinks (+10) 
   C) anywhere that no one can see or hear what we do (+15) 

2. When I get into the car on a date, I sit: 
   A) across the seat, more or less melting into the door (-5) 
   B) next to my date (+10) 
   C) on my date's lap (+15) 

3. When my date tries to put his arm around me, I: 
   A) firmly remove his arm and tell him that I'm not that 
      kind of girl (-5) 
   B) move cautiously closer to him (+5) 
   C) consider this only the beginning of a long, fun-filled 
      evening (+15) 

4. When I kiss on a Valentine's date, I: 
   A) do not kiss on Valentine's dates (-5) 
   B) kiss goodnight at my door (no tongues) (+0) 
   C) consider this only the beginning of a long, 
      fun-filled evening (+15) 

5. If asked out for a second date after Valentine's, I: 
   A) blush, ask him to call me later, and call home 
      to ask permission from my mom (-10) 
   B) consider his motives and accept if I find them 
      within the realm of my morals (+10) 
   C) consider his performance and accept if he 
      played three or more encores (+20) 

Scoring for Women: 

-20 TO 10 POINTS: Oh please.  You couldn't get a date if you paid for 
                  one.  You should consider interspecies dates as your 
                  only available option for romance. 

15 TO 65 POINTS:  You're interested in men but are either too shy or 
                  emotionally unstable.  A Valentine's date for you is a 
                  horror of hand-slapping and cautious drink-sipping. 
                  Relax.  It's just an innocent date.  Trust me! 

70 TO 105 POINTS: Yah!  Love ya!  You consider nylons and garter belts 
                  kinky but don't think twice about wearing black 
                  leather, rubber clothing, or whipping your chained 
                  partner into submission.  There's nothing I could teach 
                  you about dating that you don't already know. Hit me 
                  with your best shot! 

Section Two (Men): 

1. When on a date, I like to go: 
   A) to a quiet dinner, a PG movie, and have her home by 11 (-5) 
   B) out for a beer and then back to my place and pass out together (+5) 
   C) back to my place for erotic fun (+15) 

2. When I pick her up, I: 
   A) remind her to fasten her seatbelt (-10) 
   B) make conversation by inquiring about her class schedule (+5) 
   C) remove the beer cans from under her feet and attack 
      her while telling her how much I respect her (+15) 

3. My dates usually say: 
   A) "Have you ever done this before?" (-10) 
   B) "Wake up, dammit!  I'm not through yet!" (-5) 
   C) "Let's try one more time and make it an even dozen!" (+20) 

4. When I kiss my Valentine's date, I: 
   A) don't try to kiss my date, I don't wish to compromise her integrity 
      or give her the wrong impression of my motives (-10) 
   B) kiss her goodnight and tell her what a great time I 
      had (even if I didn't) (+5) 
   C) seldom stop until I've reached her ankles (+15) 

5. When I ask her for date following Valentine's, I: 
   A) respect her desire to contemplate our relationship 
      and agree to call her after she has had an opportunity 
      to consider her position and make a responsible decision (-5) 
   B) wonder what I'm going to get on the next date if she 
      kissed on the first one (+5) 
   C) ask her during breakfast in bed (+15) 

Scoring for Men: 

-25 TO 10 POINTS:  You're too old-fashioned for the women of the 80's. 
                   Sex is a mystery to you and you bore the hell out of 
                   your mother.  Do yourself and the world a favor: commit 
		   yourself to Depo-Provera treatments and become an 
                   accountant. 
15 TO 65 POINTS:   You enjoy women but havn't quite figured out what 
                   any woman could possibly see in you.  Good point.  It's 
                   not hopeless, however, with a little work and effort, 
                   you too could soon be on your way to successful 
                   dating. 
65 TO 100 POINTS:  You're a man of the world who is well versed in the 
                   art of give and take.  You know what a woman wants and 
                   you're not afraid to give it to her.  You lead a hard 
                   and arduous life trying to satisfy the many women 
                   around you.  You'll make an excellent Valentine date 
                   for any mature woman. 

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