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(The math department here at UW has a student run news/humour magazine called, appropriately enough, mathNEWS. One of the best columns in there is the prof quotes. This is what keeps us awake in Friday morning classes:)

"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" 
"Yes, I don't have one." 
"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..." 

		      - E. D'Azevedo Computer Science 372 

"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem." 
		      - C. Durance Computer Science 234 

"Let's make ethanol green this afternoon." 
		      - R. Friesen Chemistry 124 

"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename." 
		      - Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454 

"What I've done, of course, is total garbage." 
		      - R. Willard Pure Math 430a 

"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug 
someone with it?" 
		      - M. Devine Computer Science 340 

"Is it a really good acid, or just a half-acid?" 
		      - R. Friesen Chemistry 124 

"You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 
Why do you find that funny?" 
		      - D. Taylor Computer Science 350 

"This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does  
something child-like." 
		      - Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454 

"I think it is true for all n. I was just playing it safe with n>=3 because 
I couldn't remember the proof." 
		      - Baker Pure Math 351a 

"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a 
smurfette." 
		      - P. Buhr Computer Science 354 

"Every prof blows this. We're all going to get AIDS or something." 
		      - J. Vanderkooy Physics 122 

"How do you find an isomorphism? You just f it. See? Graph theory is  
a lot of fun." 
		      - I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230 

"You can't drink negative beer. Well, I guess you could throw up." 
		      - Forbes Math Elective 102 

"Due to the postal strike, the assignment is extended to one week 
from today.  I do not give out extensions without good reason." 
		      - Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454 

"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it  
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on." 
		      - Hepler Systems Design 182 

"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion - I may be trying to 
bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently." 
		      - J. Wainwright Mathematics 140b 

"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat." 
		      - M. Devine and P. Larson Computer Science 340 

"We'll call it S for cyclic." 
		      - Gord Sinnamon Mathematics 234b 

"Karen has her own i, and she is not going to let Frank put his 
data into it." 
		      - F. D. Boswell Computer Science 240 

"All that was meant to bore you shitless." 
		      - I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230 

"The subspace W inherits the other 8 properties of V. And there 
aren't even any property taxes." 
		      - J. MacKay Mathematics 134b 

"So you have this mapping P(v). So what does it mean? It means you 
take v and 'P' on it, right?" 
		      - J. Baker Mathematics 234b 

"That's an engineer on his work term. He's sawing pipes, then soldering 
them back together again...He'll do that 10 times to make the pipe  
shorter."  
		      - J. MacKay Statistics 332 

"What do I do if I am running low on my [computer] account?" 
"Take out a loan." 
		      - C. Durance Computer Science 234 

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