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I have begun to suspect that invisible monkeys may inhabit my new office building. I have yet to see one, but ever day around lunch creatures of simian intelligence flock to the bathroom and liberally water the bathroom floor.

I have made it a personal project to reform these primordial beasts and help them move into the category of tool-using hominoids. The tool in question being a urinal. This is the journal of my continuing progress.

Experiment 1 Education

I made a sign enumerating the finer points of trajectory and flow control. A small set of experiments have indicated that posting said tract on fluid dynamics over the urinal only results in less hose control as the primary aiming implements (i.e. hands) are then used to examine the document instead of being used to direct flow away from the floor. EXPERIMENT FAILED

Experiment 2 Motivation

I then came up with the idea of adding a target to the urinal. Perhaps making the user experience more interactive could make the urinal preferable to the simplicity and convenience of the bathroom floor.

For this experiment I used a set of whiteboard markers acquired from the deployment lounge to draw a large targeting reticule in the urinal. Preliminary experiments were promising, yet repeated applications of the markers were required to keep floor viscosity at a minimum. Also repeated requests for markers have resulted in loss of store room privileges at work.

The remaining markers are now locked away and with out additional funding the experiment can not continue. I am forced to return the old markers (now smelling slightly of ammonia) to the deployment lounge. No one appears the wiser. MODERATE SUCCESS

Experiment 3 Marketing and Sociology

After having a request for government funding denied on the grounds that no invisible simian species exist, I am resorting to private funding since government funding. My proposal is to get simian related themes printed on urinal cakes in the hopes that the creatures will become intrigued with the urinal and possible puzzle out its use.

Unfortunately my ROI (Return on Investment) estimates were horrid. Apparently the simian population (invisible and not) are not a strong marketing demographic. To broaden my projects appeal I came up with the idea of marketing instead to humans and using Sociology to affect the monkeys.

My new proposal use urinal cakes with the picture of Bin Laden. The monkey population may not be entranced but the humans in my building seem drawn to the prototype urinal cake

I am hoping that the repeated demonstrations of the urinal's use combined with powerful social factors will help reform the burgeoning monkey population in my building.

My new plan was brilliant. Funding arrived from several sources and I now have enough change to make telephone calls to several business partners. I spent a few hours calling urinal cake manufacturers.

A few calls later I finally have a business partner who understands my needs, he has offered to help me for free for "the good of the cause." Enthralled I agreed to his terms.

Unfortunately licensing issues with the photographer and distribution problems have stalled the project. Furthermore my partner left with all my notes and is now working as director for a large competitor.

Undeterred I continue to run the organization in my spare time. Unfortunately my attempts to manufacture urinal cake myself fail miserably. My mothers biscuits, while the appropriate color and consistency, appear to dissolve twice as fast as my larger competitor. Attempts to use 3rd party cakes also fail as they repeatedly jammed the printer on both "letter" and "legal" settings. I looked briefly for an illegal setting, but no dice. NOT PRACTICAL IN THE SHORT TERM

EXPERIMENT 4 Extermination

Due to the set failed experiments, I now spend breaks lurking in the bathroom with a baseball bat. Hopefully if I take enough of them down the problem will improve.. RESEARCH ONGOING...

PS. the printer is still jammed.

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