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Well, folks... it's been a week since the election ended, and we still don't have a new President. What we have to realize here is that we are a civilized nation, and that there should be some reasonable way to figure out who our next leader should be. So let's throw out all the lawyers, toss the injunctions, and settle on one of the options below...
OK, America... it's time for you to consider your choices... In the spirit of fairness and bipartisanship, we present the ideas with various PRO and CON arguments for each.
OPTION #1: A Duel
Yes, that's right. Take ten paces, turn and fire. It's
primitive, it's violent, it's soooo 18th century... in short, it's
everything Americans seem to like right about now! And it'll get
great ratings on Pay-Per-View. We could even get Strom Thurmond to
moderate the duel, as he was around for the original Aaron
Burr-Alexander Hamilton duel that happened in 1804.
PROS:
1. Historical Precedent (The aformentioned Burr/Hamilton affair)
2. Provides a clear and certain winner.
3. No appeals, whining, recounting, reloading, or re-running for
the loser.
4. Would get better ratings than election coverage.
5. Absolutely, positively impossible for exit polls, political
pundits, or guys from the Fox Network who know G.W. personally to
project a winner before it's done.
CONS:
1. Potential to make Gore look like a hypocrite if he wins--after
all, he'd have to admit that "Guns don't kill people... people do"
2. Bush might refuse the offer--he's already killed his quota of
people for November in Texas.
3. Bullets for guns taken from Pentagon stock at taxpayer expense
would cost $5,000,000 each.
4. Chance that Gore might actually be stiff enough that bullets
can't penetrate his skin. Some might say this is a potential "PRO,"
as it would save money on Secret Service protection if he were
President.
Option #2: The Coin Toss
Hey, if this election is a toss-up; why not decide it the way
toss-ups have been decided for hundreds of years. Just flip a coin
and the winner becomes the most Powerful Man on Earth. Some might
say that this is no way to determine a President, but I know some who
have made their voting decisions on similar criteria...
PROS:
1. Format well-understood by the public.
2. Genuine 50-50 odds. If the coin manages to land on its edge,
Ralph Nader becomes President.
CONS:
1. There'd be 8 lawsuits to determine who got to call the coin.
2. There'd by 5 lawsuits to determine who got to toss the coin.
3. The chance that the NFL referee who screwed up that
Lions-Steelers coin toss a few years ago could be the man who tosses
the coin.
4. What to do when, in response to the question "Governor Bush,
please call the coin in the air," G.W. responds "It's a quarter."
Option #3: The Bowl Championship Series
Since no one seems to like either the much-maligned BCS (who
determine the teams that play in the College Football Championship
Game, for those who aren't football fans) or the Electoral College;
let's simply swap their roles. Let the BCS figure out who the next
President is, and let the Electoral College pick the teams that play
for the NCAA championship.
PROS:
1. Sportswriters and computer ranking people who make up the BCS
know nothing about politics, making them a perfect reflection of the
electorate.
2. BCS system so complicated and obscure that no court appeals from
the loser would be possible (or if they did, it'd take two full terms
for the suit to finally be settled)
3. Even the Electoral College could figure out that if Miami beat
Florida State that Miami should be ranked ahead of FSU.
CONS:
1. Potential computer glitches could mean that the next President
could be... Nebraska.
2. Potential Electoral College confusion could mean that Al Gore
plays Oklahoma in the Orange Bowl. Of course, some Bush
supporters might think that to be a positive thing...
3. Computer rankings might give Nader, Buchanan, Browne, or one of
the 2,974 other candidates that appear on the Florida ballot the
Presidency based on Strength of Schedule.
4. Harvard and Princeton might end up playing for the NCAA
championship if the Electoral College vote were to break down along
Alma Mater lines.
Option #4. Regis Philbin.
Since recent Neilsen surveys have ABC's "Who Wants to be a
Millionaire" slipping in the ratings relative to last year's
performance, it needs a shot in the arm. So why not "Who Wants to be
the President?" featuring Regis Philbin asking the two candidates
various trivia questions, with the one advancing further becoming the
Leader of the Free World.
PROS:
1. Would get great ratings; show format understood by most everyone.
2. Money won by either candidate could go toward fulfilling
expensive campaign promises rather than taking the money from the
taxpayers.
3. Philbin would probably do a better job mediating than Jim Lehrer
did during the debates.
CONS:
1. Bush would want to use a lifeline when he was asked by Regis
"What would you do if you were to become the President?"
2. Gore would insist on a hand-count of the audience votes when he
used his "Ask the Audience" lifeline.
3. Bush would protest when "That Guy" was not one of the available
choices to the question "Who is the current leader of Taiwan?"
4. Gore would claim to have won $64,000,000 when he had only reached
the $64,000 question.
Option #5. Survivor!
While I personally could not stand to watch the
pandering crap known as "Survivor" on CBS last summer, I must now
admit that the idea has some merit. Put Bush, Gore, and Nader (we
need a third on the island for voting purposes) on a deserted island
in the middle of the Pacific, and let them "tough it out" until they
vote all but one candidate off the island... who would then become
our next President.
PROS:
1. A ratings slam for CBS... after all, if people watched a bunch of
random yahoos make themselves look like asses on TV for a chance to
win $1,000,000; how many do you think would watch with the Oval
Office on the line?
2. The fact that the sight of politicians being forced to eat rats
would give tremendous pleasure to all Americans, regardless of their
political affiliation.
CONS:
1. The chance that no one would ever get elected President, as no
one would get voted off the island--in every vote, Nader would vote
Gore off the island, Gore would vote Nader off the island... and Bush
would vote himself off the island.
2. Bush would spend all of his free time looking for Gilligan.
3. Gore would spend the whole time claiming he should automatically
win, as he invented "Survivor" while he was a Senator from Tennessee.
4. Nader would refuse to vote, claiming the whole idea was an
artifact of the power of the Evil Corporate Empire, leaving us with
a potential for gridlock.
Well, folks... it's now time to make your choice. Using the
below ballot, made and tested on Authentic Palm Beach County Voters,
please make your choice. Don't e-mail them anywhere... we'll just
have the FBI use Carnivore to examine your responses to determine a
winner if necessary.
OFFICIAL BALLOT: PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATESPlease check, mark an "X," or punch your choice below. Florida voters, please do NOT punch holes in your computer screen. Multiple punches will be taken as a sign that you want Pat Buchanan to be President.
Write-in votes will be accepted, please briefly describe your idea--please do not suggest any ideas that involve binge drinking, human-sized lock-boxes, or that guarantee the death of all candidates.
DUEL ---------> [ ] <---------- DUEL
COIN TOSS -------> [ ] <---------- COIN TOSS
BCS METHOD ------> [ ] <---------- BCS METHOD
GAME SHOW -------> [ ] <---------- GAME SHOW
SURVIVOR --------> [ ] <---------- SURVIVOR
WRITE-IN --------> [ ] <---------- WRITE-IN
Thanks for Voting!
BMH
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