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(I REALLY WONDER HOW THE PEOPLE IN TOURISM REMAIN SANE??????)

Here are some of the classic questions being asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and some answers that may be appropriate.

* I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true and
if so, can you send me pictures of the available ones? (Italy)
(Sure, there's only 8 million of them)

* I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I turn
blue? (Germany)
(More likely brown, considering the effluent...)

* Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on
TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
(Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question,
who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower...)

* Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
(Depends on how much beer you've consumed...)

* I plan to take some day trips during the Olympics. Which
direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to
avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
(Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held
in Sydney.)

* I want to walk from Perth to Sydney for the Olympics - can I follow
the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
(Sure, it's only seven thousand miles, so you'll need to have started
about a year and a half ago to get there in time for the Games...)

* Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
(And accomplish what?)

* It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
(I'm not touching this one...)

* My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia.
Will you let her in? (South Africa)
(Why? We do have toilet paper here...)

* Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in
Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
(No, and we use shells for money too)

* Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)
(???)

* Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)
(Depends if you get an ugly one or not...)

* Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
(Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...)

* Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
(No. Everybody stinks.)

* Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
(Yes, but only in sporting goods stores, peoples' garages, and
most national parks...)

* Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
(Yes. At Christmas.)

* Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
(Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.)

* Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
(Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.)

* Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Australia? (USA)
(What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?)

* Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
(A blonde?)

* Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
(Rattlesnakes? There is only serum for the Funnel Web and Red-Back
Spiders. You will need to contend with White-Tail Spiders, Brown,
Tiger and Red-Belly Black snakes, sharks, Red Kangaroos, Blue-ringed
Octopuses and the 3am pub closing time/taxi change-over)

* Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
(Face North and you should be about right)

* Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
(Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing
between Austria and Australia.)

* I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
(Another blonde?)

* I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
(From Liz Taylor, perhaps?)

* Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors?
(Italy)
(Yes. Outdoors.)

* I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

* Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
(Yes, except in America.)

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