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               Newly Revised Guide to the Bases
                     --------------------------------
     Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school?  If so,
do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends ("Yeah  man, at
the dance, Vinny and Amy went behind the gym and they got to
second base!")?  Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was
second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure.
Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got
older.  What's a person to do?
         Here, we mourn the passing of traditional baseball analogies to
describe sexual activity.  Let's face it, there are more than four
stages in today's day and age of sex play.  So, in the interest of
both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of
modern romance and standardizing the bases themselves, we present the
Newly Revised Guide to the Bases.

       First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.

 --First Base- This was almost always kissing, although one guy I know
        thought it meant holding hands.  Sometimes it was tongue kissing
        and sometimes not.
 --Second Base- This meant either tongue kissing, breast feeling, or
   outside the clothes genital contact.
 --Third Base-  Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your
   partner.
 --Home Run-  This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the
   times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases. And if it was,
   EVERYONE knew!

     Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a
 repressed sex drive.  But what happens when you reach maturity and new
 factors enter the equation, such as oral sex (a.k.a. the sloppy
 triple)?  And what about the exact definitions?  Well we have
 attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without
 further ado...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Newly Revised Guide to the Bases

 --On Deck-  Having plans for a date
 --Strike-Out-  Duh!!
 --Walk-  Kissing
 --Bunt-  Masturbation
 --Single-  Tongue kissing
 --Double-  Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and
           feels
--Triple-  Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
--Inside the park home run-  Oral Sex
--Home Run- SEX!!!
--Ground Rule Double-  Would have sex, but no condom
--Error-  Condom breaks during sex
--Banned for life for gambling-  Sex without condom
--Hall of Fame-  Marriage

     Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to
 better explain all the things that can happen now a days.

--Balk-  Premature ejaculation
--Pine Tar- KY jelly
--Relief pitcher-  Vibrator
--Rain Delay-  parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
--Box Seats-  Waterbed
--Seventh Inning Stretch-  Unusual positions
--Dead Ball-  Blue balls / passion cramps
--Florida Snow-  Cocaine  (I know you don't get it...tough.)
--Rookie-  Virgin
--Minor Leagues-  Under 18
--Loaded Bases-  Manage a trois
--Grand Slam-  Sex three times in twelve hours
--Foul tip-  Venereal Disease
--Three up and three down-  impotency
--"All you"-  Make the first move
--Batting Glove-  Sexual aide

     Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the
 old confusion with our current clarity.

OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got like past
          third base, but not to home plate.  i really like her.
NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home
          run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.
NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when i balked
          during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in a relief
pitcher.

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