| RHF Joke Archives | 
We had a group project in one of my classes where our assignment was to
design a plan to reduce homicides in the State of Illinois. In addition
to the proposal we actually presented, we wrote up the following
backup plans.
ALTERNATE PLANS TO REDUCE HOMICIDE
The Quarantine Plan
A large percentage of homicides, other violent acts, and other anti-social
behavior are committed by young males. The victims are also
disproportionately young males. We propose to lock up all males between the
ages of 15 and 25, thereby preventing them from committing homicide or
becoming victims.
The Competitive Mortality Plan
It is a basic rule of epidemiology that each person can only die once. We
propose to decrease homicide by increasing other causes of death.
An extremely effective way to do this would be to take strong actions to
increase infant mortality. Every moment that a person lives increases his or
her chances of dying by homicide. All publicly funded prenatal care,
immunizations, WIC (Women, Infants, and Children) programs, and other public
health initiatives would be ended immediately. We will take the money that
had been allocated to these programs plus the $1 million we are requesting
today to fund an aggressive multi-disciplinary, multi-media, community-based,
otherwise-hyphenated campaign to combat similar private initiatives and carry
out the rest of our program.
Since a reasonable number of children have always lived beyond infancy, we
will also have to take steps to increase mortality rates in older
populations. Actions which we would consider include contamination of the
water and food supplies, tobacco and alcohol subsidies, taxes on health
clubs, increased speed limits, and distribution of banana peels on sidewalks
and stairways.
The One Man March Plan
We believe that given $1 million, we can all but guarantee that Mr. Charles
Randall of Chicago will not be murdered, thereby reducing homicide. We plan
to take him to the Bahamas and personally keep an eye on him to make sure he
is ok. A significant advantage of this plan is the easy evaluation
component. We will periodically walk over to Mr. Randall and say "How you
doin' Chuck? Still alive?"
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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