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A CHORISTER'S GUIDE TO KEEPING CONDUCTORS IN LINE

1. Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the conductor uses a pitch-pipe, make known your preference for pitches from the piano, and vice-versa.

2. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It is best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.

3. Bury your head into the music just before the cues.

4. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you are about to quit. Let the conductor know your are there as a personal favor.

5. Loudly clear your throat during pauses. (Tenors are trained to do this from birth.) Quiet instrumental interludes are a good chance to blow your nose.

6. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know that you do not have the music.

7. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.

8. Find an excuse to leave the rehearsal fifteen minutes early so that others will become restless and start to fidget.

9. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique," so challenge it frequently.

10. If your articulation differs from that of others, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.

(In other words, make every effort to take the attention away from the podium and put it on you, where it belongs.)

[Passed out by our director at rehearsal.]

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