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Special News Report:

Although there have been some reports that the semen found on Monica Lewinsky's dress has been identified as President Clinton's, some experts are claiming that the semen could not possibly have come from the President.

Robert Glass, a noted ballistics expert, claims that given the position of the President, and the position of Ms. Lewinsky, that it is not possible that the President's semen landed on her dress. "The semen would have to have turned 180 degrees in mid-air!" explained Mr. Glass. "In effect, it would have to be magic semen."

Mr. Glass, and other experts, contend that there must have been a second mystery semen-shooter, standing behind the President. Several White House aides claim that they saw a man during the time period in question standing behind a potted plant in the oval office. Asked why they didn't report him, the aides explained that they assumed that the man was a gardener, there to water the plants. "He was holding something in his hand." explained a White House secretary. "It looked like a hose."

Democrats are now saying that the President has possibly been framed by a vast right-wing conspiracy, and are demanding a new investigation. Ken Starr is outraged by these speculations, claiming that his report is accurate, and that there was a lone semen shooter in the White House. "We have extensively investigated this incident, and have come to the conclusion that Bill Clinton acted alone in the shooting." explained Mr. Starr.

Yet, not every one is satisfied with the Starr Report. "Some one wanted to see that dress get stained." says Bob Long, a friend of the Clintons. "And now, the government is trying to cover it up."

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