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Since the UPS supervisors are filling in for the drivers while the
Teamsters are on strike, I've had to tape the following to my door, to
give the supervisors a bit of a clue.


			Attention
			UPS Supervisor

The following are complete instructions for how to deliver a package that
does not require a signature (1):

1.  Get the package(2).
2.  Go to the place where the package is supposed to be(3).
3.  Set the package down(4), gently. 
4.  Without picking the package up again, walk away(5).

(If you already knew that, my apologies for belaboring the obvious.  But
the UPS supervisor who was here yesterday didn't know all this technical
stuff, and I'm told he's one of the brighter of the lot.)

----------------

Footnotes.

  (1)There are some other steps involved for packages that require
signatures, but let's walk before we try to run, okay?

  (2)It'll usually be a squarish, boxy sort of thing.  Probably brown,
but don't worry if it isn't.  There's some legend out there that the
important packages have blue or red "UPS" labels on them, but don't you
get suckered in by that.  Important packages have "Federal Express"
written on them.

  (3)You should be able to find the address on the package itself.  Don't
panic, but there are probably two addresses on the package.  One is of
the "sender" - that's the person who used to have the package.  The other
is of the "intended recipient" - that's the person who is supposed to get
the package.  If you can't figure out which is which, and can't find
somebody to tell you, drive to the address that's in the same state that
you are.  If both are in the same state, drive to the nearest one.  If
they're both equally as far away from you, well, let's face it, you're
going to starve to death while trying to figure out where to go.
Requiescat in pace.

  (4)("Down" is this way:  [insert down arrow symbol])

  (5)You get twenty extra points for not stepping on the package; ten
extra points for only stepping on it once.

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