Best of Jokes Current Jokes RHF Home Search Sponsor RHF?
Fun Stuff & Jokes
Previous | RHF Joke Archives | Next

The Star Trek Writer's Construction Kit

mark@sonance.demon.co.uk (Mark Stevens)
(chuckle)

			PARAMOUNT PICTURES & MICROSOFT
				   PRESENT

				 --- THE ---
			      --- STAR TREK ---
                      --- WRITER'S CONSTRUCTION KIT ---
  		            --- FOR WINDOWS 95 ---

Announcing the launch of the latest version of TSTWCK, a 32-bit application
specifically designed to take advantage of the new WINDOWS 95 operating
system. With this plug-in module for WORD95 & MS WORKS, you can now create
your very own scripts for submission to Paramount!

All the features of the previous version:

	* AutoTechnoBabble(TM) 
	  If your scripts are too heavily weighted towards character
          development, or your plot threads are getting too complex,
	  then simply drag an outline around the offending section of
	  your script, click the spanner icon and hey-presto! Instant
	  technobabble filler for your script! Who says EPS power taps
	  and phased warp plasma relays can't be exciting?

	* Excitement Removal Wizard(TM)
          It happens all the time. You've written a script full of
	  dynamic action sequences and breathtaking battle scenes, only
	  for Paramount to announce budget cuts for the next season.
   	  Just one click of the JeriTaylor icon(TM) allows you to remove 
	  these costly scenes, inserting tender one-on-one character-
	  building dialogue sequences instead.

	* Character IntelliSense(TM)
	  Have you written a blockbusting script for your favourite
	  Star Trek character, pushing them to their emotional limits
	  in a tense, nail-biting and heart-stopping fashion, only
	  to find that Paramount have assigned you a boring Neelix or
          Nog-based episode? Character IntelliSense(TM) allows you to
	  instantly re-assign key scenes for the characters Paramount
	  have selected for you. Just click and go!

Plus! New for WINDOWS 95:

	* Temporal Anomaly plug-in module(TM)
          Is your script lacking that one important detail that 
	  would set it apart from all the others? With this new plug-
	  in module, even you can write exciting scripts up to the 
          lofty standards of Brannon Braga, Rick Berman and Ronald D.
	  Moore. Use the new Anomaly-Mapping Wizard(TM), featuring
	  over 6000 different types of anomaly texture on CD. Make
	  your time-phased warp interloop conduit stand out from the
          crowd! As used in the first season of Voyager.

	* DollyTart mode(TM)
	  Is the current season suffering a massive ratings drop?
	  Does your script lack that certain "pull" that other
	  syndicated shows have in abundance? The new DollyTart
	  mode will soon get bums back on seats by tarting up all
	  the female characters in your script! High-heels? No 
	  problem. Dynasty wigs and shoulder pads? A mere mouse-click
	  away! The STAR TREK WRITER'S CONSTRUCTION KIT lets YOU
	  make the executive decisions on what's best for the
	  characters of the show!

	* HoloWizard(TM)
	  We've all been there before. It's two days before your
	  deadline and your script is still a complete blank. What
	  to do for inspiration! Scratch your head no longer, for
	  the new HoloWizard(TM) is here. Simply OCR a page or two
	  from your favourite classic literary work and paste it
	  into the HoloWizard(TM). Within seconds, you have the
	  basic structure for a Holodeck-based episode designed to
	  fit YOUR specifications! If you lack the ability to OCR
	  pages, then don't fear. HoloWizard(TM) comes with a built-in
	  AutoBard(TM) patch, featuring the complete works of William
	  Shakespeare, Arthur Conan Doyle, Jane Austen, H. G. Wells, 
	  Joseph Conrad and the Bronte sisters! Look out for more
	  AutoBard(TM) patches on various FTP sites.

	* Sim Alien(TM)
          Specially designed by Maxis for the STAR TREK WRITER'S
	  CONSTRUCTION KIT. Now you can play God with an entire DNA
	  pool at your fingertips. Create your own race of
	  militaristic bi-pedial aliens to terrify the Federation.
	  After creating compound aliens with the DNA fragments of
	  your choice, run the Lumps Editor(TM) to wrinkle the forehead,
	  neck or nose of your new creation -- give your aliens that 
	  distinctive Star Trek touch! 

	* AchillesHeel module(TM)
	  Are your race of Sim Alien baddies proving to be too tough?
	  Does the crew of the Enterprise, Voyager and Deep Space Nine
	  find themselves constantly at odds with the overwhelming might
 	  of your favourite military faction? Fear not! Simply click
	  the 'Hugh' icon and your alien adversaries will be reduced to
	  mere quivering sheep. Options include faction sub-splitting,
	  elemental aversion (as pre-tested on Doctor Who's cybermen) and
	  our patented Last-Minute-Unfeasible-Achilles-Heel-Revelation(TM).

Last minute addition!

	* Babylonian Gopher(TM)
	  Is your script lacking the dynamic range of drama, character
	  development and pacing found in rival sci-fi shows? Is your
	  season of Star Trek fading into obscurity, overshadowed by
	  the faultless quality of the competition? Then have no fear!
	  The Babylonian Gopher(TM) will analyse every scene of every
	  script in your current season and modify changes on a global
	  level, implanting interlinking themes, fully-structured 
	  character development and ensuring that the story doesn't 
	  end when the credits roll. 

TSTWCK, developed by Paramount Pictures and Microsoft (with a little help
from Mark Stevens & Christoper Wood).

(From the "Rest" of RHF)


Previous | RHF Joke Archives | Next

Best of Jokes | Current Jokes | RHF Home | Search