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Recently, I saw Disney's "The Hunchback of Notre Dame", and this gave
me the idea what would happen if classic writers were employed by
Disney. The question is that the marketing reps would require classic
literature to be rewritten to make them more marketable.  For example,
this might be a conversation between Herman Melville and a marketing
rep from Disney.

(MR will stand for Marketing Rep) 

----------------------------------------------------------------------
           What if Herman Melville worked for Disney.
                        By Michael Loeb

MR:  Mr. Melville, I have read your book "Moby Dick", and it has some
good points to it, but we would like you to make some changes to it.

Melville:  I don't understand.

MR:  Well, we like the fact the story is about a whale.  Kids like
animals.  We also like the fact that there is a multi-racial crew
aboard the Pequod.  Queequeg is magnificent.  I think Starbuck should
be an African-American. However, there are still a few changes we
would like you to make. 

Melville: Changes?

MR:  Yes.  For example, there are no women aboard the Pequod.  How are
we going to sell this story if there is no woman for Ishmael to fall in
love with?

Melville:  But, there are no women on whalers.

MR:  Well, you got a point there, but we still need a woman on the
boat.  I got it, she can be a princess that is running away from her
evil father because she's going to marry a total jerk.

Melville:  There are no princesses in New England.

MR:  Yeah, right.  I know.  She is an animal rights activist and
doesn't believe that they should kill whales.  So, she stows away to 
stop the crew from killing any whales.

Melville:  But the whole point is that they kill whales to make their
living.

MR:  You want this to sell, don't you?  Then we have a woman that will
"save the whales".  We need a name.  Jasmine, already taken. Belle,
no.  Esmeralda, no, we gave that one to Hugo.  I got it, Cellina.
Yeah, Cellina the woman from Greenpeace.

Melville:  Green who?

MR:  OK, now this Ishmael character.  He's too dark and depressed.  We
need him to be strong and handsome so that Cellina can fall in love
with him.

Melville:  But being depressed is the reason he's going out to sea.

MR:  No, he should be into adventure.  Listen to this.  Ishmael
catches Cellina stowing away.  However, instead of him turning her in,
he decides to help her to save the whales.  At risk of his own life,
because if they are caught, Captain Ahab will feed them both to the
sharks.

Melville:  Why would Ishmael help her?  He's signed aboard a whaling
ship, you know?

MR:  Well, it's because he sees Cellina's hour glass figure, her smile,
her long beautiful blonde hair, her passion for whales.

Melville:  Whoa!  He's going to betray the entire ship for one woman?

MR:  Well, Ishmael is an adventurer.  He doesn't really realize what
they (the crew) are doing by killing whales.  This will be the tension
in his relationship with Cellina.  She convinces him that what they're
doing is wrong.

Melville:  Hold on.  Ishmael doesn't know what they're doing to the
whales?  He's signed on to a whaling ship.  I think it would be
obvious. 

MR:  Also, Moby Dick doesn't have a big enough part in the book.  I
got it.  Ishmael and Cellina befriend the whale.  They talk to him at
night while nobody else notices.  Yeah, and Moby has two side kick
dolphins, Francesca and Riggoletto.  Yeah, kids love dolphins.....

Melville:  The whale talks?...

MR:  Sure he does!  How else can we make stuffed animal toys to sell?

Melville:  And nobody else is going to notice that a great white whale
is right next to the boat?

MR:  No, they're all asleep.  That is except for Captain Ahab's evil
sidekick parrot, Iago.  Oh no, Iago is Jafar's evil sidekick parrot.
I got it: Rasputin.  The parrot tells Ahab, then Ahab spies on Ishmael
and Cellina to wait for Moby Dick to talk to them.  Then Ahab wakes
the whole crew so that they can try to kill the whale.  Cellina blames
Ishmael for this.  However, Ishmael sabotages the harpoons in a big
fight sequence.  Then this typhoon comes and Cellina falls overboard.
Ishmael tries to help her, but he can't because he's in a fight with
Queequeg and Starbuck.  Moby dives into the water and rescues Cellina.
Then, lightning hits the main sail.  Water rushes over the deck.  The
ship is blown apart.  All the crew is in the water drowning.  Cellina
convinces Moby to save the crew which he does.  He puts them all on
his back.  Then Captain Ahab and Rasputin come up with a big harpoon
in a long boat.  Ahab says "Now I got you, Moby Dick!!!"  Well, at
that point Cellina screams, and Ishmael shouts "No!!!" But Right as
Ahab is about to throw the harpoon, he is knocked overboard by
Francesca and Riggoletto.  Ahab is last seen swimming for his life
because two sharks (Annastasia and Nikoli) are chasing him and the
parrot.  The final scene has the whole crew on another boat where the
captain is marrying Ishmael and Cellina with Moby Dick, Francesca, and
Rigoletto jumping in and out of the water like you see in those Sea
World shows.......

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