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My brother wrote this paper for some journalism class at the University of
Utah.  This was his last paper for his last class before graduating.
Despite being 5 days late it received full credit.  

It is submitted with permission as originally written.
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Bryan Holt
FCS 145
Winter 1995
Assignment #4

                      There Ought to be a Law

This law is one that we have all thought necessary when others transgress
but would like it not to apply to us when we are the perpetrator.  This is
a problem that happens all too often and must be stopped before there is a
national dilemma and a possible ensuing plague. These occurrences cause
much grief to the parties around the offender, sometimes even at parties. 
Usually there is only one guilty person, occasionally there are multiple 
offenders.  The offense can be pre-meditated and backed with revenge, or 
it can occur by pure accident.  In either case it is dangerous and must be 
controlled.  The repercussions of these situations going unguarded could 
mean continued disaster to millions of people not to mention the undue 
embarrassment to innocent bystanders that are so often wrongly accused.

Now I propose: it would be a federal law that if a person passes gas, 
passes wind, cuts the cheese without passing the crackers, lets one, rips
one, squeaks one, farts, fluffs, toots, lifts a cheek, burps their bottom, 
or floats an air-biscuit... that person must claim it immediately.

Sneaking one out without fessing up is causing too much world pain. We
must take the silence out of "silent but deadly." There will be no more
accusations of geese flying over head or elephants under the couch.  We 
must clear the air on this matter.

Enforcing this law will not be as difficult as it may seem.  DNA Air
Monitors will be installed in all public buildings.  In all other cases
the transgressor will be found out by a general accusation and the smile
test.  Violators always smile when confronted.

Punishment of this law may include any combination of the following.  If
convicted one may be banished to Magna* forever, sentenced to live the
rest of one's life in the BYU** football locker room, or forced to eat
bean burritoes with all other violators and caged in a room with no
windows. The minimum penalty for all crimes of the sphincter will include
sucking the big toe of all people around you at the time of the crime and
getting slugged.

Owners of canine offenders will be punished to the full extent of the law,
because dog farts are the worst.

For obvious reasons there are exemptions to this law.  They include people
who light blue darts, give cup o' farts, or play "pull my finger."

This law benefits people everywhere and it will stop those that continue
to say, "The smellers' the feller."

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Footnotes add by the submitter:

* - Magna, Utah - downwind from the Kennecott Copper smeltery.  Infamous 
in Utah for its aroma and water quality.

 - Brigham Young University - Arch-rival to the University of Utah.
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