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     A few friends and I were discussing the correlation between stupidity 
     and bleached-blonde hair a while back, and I though that this might 
     get a chuckle out of the more academic types out there.  I did acquire 
     the permission of the original author of the "paper" before sending it 
     off to you.
     
     Here it is:
     
     
     **********************************************************************
     
     From: IN%"EBERWEIN@HEPS.Lan.McGill.CA"  "Prof. Curtis Eberwein"  
     To: IN%"HKAST1@vms.cis.pitt.edu"
     Subj: RE: hey you
     
     I think I have an answer for your deep research question.  We begin by 
     assuming (or more appropriately we take as an axiom) that dumbness, d, 
     is an increasing function of fake blondness, fb.  That is, d=F(fb).  
     This could be caused by peroxide fumes, excessive poofing--known in 
     the literature as EP--or brain damage resulting from too many stupid 
     come-on lines (ToMSCOLs).  All we say at this point is that F is 
     strictly increasing and twice (or maybe even thrice) differentiable.
     
     On the other hand--or should we say scalp--dumbness may have a causal 
     effect on fake blondness, viz. individuals who possess high values of 
     dumbness may be more prone to undertake fake blondness.  We call this 
     the propensity to fake blondness.  That is fb=G(d) where G is an 
     increasing function satisfying the same conditions as F, possibly a 
     few more too.  A solution then requires that both d=F(fb) and fb=G(d) 
     simultaneously.  That is d=F(G(d)) or equivilently fb=G(F(fb)).  As is 
     well known, the Some-Russian-Guy-with-a-Really-Long-Name Theorem 
     implies that a F(G()) and G(F()) will have fixed points if we can 
     restrict attention to compact sets (ones that hold lipstick, eye 
     shadow, etc.).  These are closed and bounded sets.  Here we have a 
     difficulty because, while dumbness may be closed, we all know that it 
     is unbounded--no matter how dumb people get, they can always get 
     dumber.  Fortunately, we can get out of this difficulty by 
     transforming fake blondness to the Revlon Topology.  This makes fake 
     blondness fall in a compact set by having the makeup stored in the 
     hair.  This assures us that a Fake Blondness Equilibrium (FBE) exists.
     
     Fortuantely, our theory has absolutely no predictions or empirical 
     content, so nobody can prove us wrong.
     
     To complete the paper, we have a few closing remarks.  First, further 
     research can be applied in many areas.  For example, does excessive 
     use of perfume cause dumbness through olfactory attrition or does 
     dumbness just cause excessive use of perfume?  Finally, since this 
     paper is written by a single person to whom does "we" refer anyway?  
     We will take up these important and interesting issues in future 
     research since doing it here would make for a smaller vita.
     
     Curtis J. Eberwein
     Somewhere North of Plattsburgh
     Sometime in the 20th Century
     

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