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Here's a letter I sent in response to a more-annoying-than-usual missive
from the Reader's Digest Association complaining that I hadn't paid for
a book.  Some people might enjoy it.

                               -----------

                                                (Address deleted)
                                                14th September 1994
J. Clark
The Reader's Digest Association Ltd
Pegasus House
Blagrove, Swindon SN17 6JJ
England.

Dear Mr (or, conceivably, Mrs, Miss or Ms) Clark,

We are in receipt of a form letter, dated the 5th of September 1994,
bearing the reference number 0275456292 and a small amount of printer's
ink purporting to be your signature, which informs us that we have
"ignored repeated opportunities to pay" for a book which we ordered
from your organisation some time ago, that our name is "now on our list
of people who order products without paying for them", that "serious
action is planned" against us, and that "a county court judgement
against us could affect our ability to obtain credit in future".

We would like to take this opportunity to inform you that we are in
receipt of exactly 1 (one) previous request for payment, which, unless
we have managed to mislay the arithmetic skills which we have all
possessed since early childhood, does not qualify as "repeated
opportunities to pay", that a cheque for the required amount was
dispatched by surface mail to you on the 23rd of August last, and that,
since we presume from your letter that you are not in receipt of this
cheque, we are enclosing a replacement and cancelling the original.

Furthermore, we wish you to know that your mailing-list information is
incorrect with respect to our current address (the correct address is
given above), that there are no "county courts" in Ireland, that the
term "Irish Republic" is an inadmissible form of address for this
country, rather as "Mainly-English-but-with-a-few-token-Celts
in-theory-constitutional-monarchy-but-in-fact-rather-ineffective-
undemocratic-bicameral-parliament-with-a-single-seat-constituency-
based-lower-house-and-a-hereditary-unelected-upper-house-system" would
be inadmissible in referring to our eastern neighbours, that our family
have been ordering products from your organisation (and paying for them)
for over twenty years, that the occasionally-superb book offers which we
receive from you are the only reason why we have not long-since
cancelled our subscription to your heavy-handed, simple-minded,
right-wing propaganda vehicle, and that you might consider the
possibility of an error in your mailing list (and consequent failure or
delay in delivery) before dispatching threatening missives like that to
which I refer.

Keep up the good work.

With best wishes, on behalf of our family, I remain,

Yours sincerely,

                Colm Buckley

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