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Microsoft aquires Microsoft Acquires

by Joshua Goodman

REDMOND WASHINGTON (AP)--MICROSOFT announced that it, like thousand of computer users everywhere, was tired of spoofs of Microsoft Acquires. Users of the internet have been bombarded in recent months by spoof announcements of "Microsoft Acquires." Recent announcements have included Microsoft acquiring Christmas, the year 1995, and the Vatican. Therefore, Microsoft spokesmen announced today that they had acquired the rights to all further "Microsoft Acquires" announcements.

Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates said, during a brief appearance at the announcement, "Everytime someone puts one of those d_mned 'Microsoft Announces' spoofs on the net, 300 people forward it to me. This should put a stop to that. And really, they're not that funny. They're just not."

Industry analysts had mixed reviews. One analyst Martin Sierpinsky, believed that the effect of this latest announcement would be minimal. "Spoof writers will simply switch to another topic, such as 'IBM lays off elves' or something." But another industry analyst, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said, "This spells the end of competition in humor about Microsoft. Microsoft will now control the entire Microsoft Humor niche. They probably see this as a foothold into the Computer Humor market. I think they will next attempt to acquire exclusive rights to the Hackers Dictionary." David Wiborg said, "I don't think it's that significant. I think the 'Microsoft Acquires' thing was just a fad. In fact, a recent Gallop poll of 'Rec.humor.funny' readers ranked 'Microsoft Acquires' jokes above Mouse Balls, but below Iraqi Driver's Ed."

Microsoft stock closed up 3/8 of a point yesterday on heavy trading.

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