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Dear Friends,

     My name is Horace Schmidlap.  In September 1988 my car was
reposessed, the vet had kidnapped my irish wolfhound, Betty for
nonpayment of my bill, my wife had left me for a McDonald's coworker,
and the bill collectors were hounding me like
you wouldn't believe.   In short, I was a total loser.  My only dream
was to continue to talk to other losers, like myself, using my
computer and modem.

     This January 1989 my family and I went on a ten day cruise to the
tropics (to escape the republican dirty tricks comittee; it's
dangerous to hang out with similarly rich texans).  I bought Lear Jets
for CASH in February 1989.  I am currently building a new planetoid
on the outer rings of saturn, with a private pool, spaceship docking
facilities, and a beautiful view of the Jovian Moons from my breakfast
room table and patio.  I will never have to work again.  I have earned
over $200,827,173,833,713.85 (two hundred trillion, eight hundred
twenty seven billion, one hundred seventy three million, seven
hundred thirteen dollars and eighty five cents) and I will become a
quadrillionaire within 4 or 5 months.  Anyone can do the same.  This
money making program works every time, 100% of the time.  I have
never failed to earn $50,000,000,000.00 or more whenever I wanted.
Best of all, you never have to leave home except to go to your mailbox
or post office.

    In October, 1988, I received 37,318 letters in the mail telling me
how to I could earn $50,000 dollars or more whenever I wanted.  I was
naturally very skeptical and threw the huge pile of letters onto the
much larger pile of the same letters next to my computer.  It's funny,
though, when you are desperate, backed into a corner, between a rock
and a hard place, in the sheep dip,  up the creek without a paddle and
a hole in your boat, about to bite the big one, your mind does crazy
things, like being redundant and repeating itself.

     I spent a frustrating day looking through the want ads for a job
with a future, or even a past, since I was a Beetle Toenail Biter, and
there was precious little future (or past) market for such a worker.
That night I tried to unwind by booting my computer out the window,
then putting it back together and trying to call several bulletin
boards.  I read several of he message posts and then glanced at the
huge pile of letters next to my computer.  All at once it came to me,
I now had the key to my dreams (and my English teacher's nightmares,
after linking two independent phrases with a comma).

      I realized that with the power of the computer, I could expand
and enhance and improve and refurbish and renew this money making
formual into the most unbelieveable cash flow generator that has ever
been created.

      I started mailing my letters.  $5, one dollar each to the first
five names on the list, then put my name, not TENTH on the list, as
suggested, but FIFTEENTH.  And then, with beggings and pleadings and
threats of suicide and an occasional convenience store rip off, I obtained 
the funds I needed, and soon my plan was in action.

      In just 12 short weeks, I had received 15,000,000,000 responses,
each with $1 enclosed. . . but that was just the beginning.

     I had invested the money I had received earlier, and now put this to work
on top of that in. . .

     Paper recycling

     Reforestation services

     Ink, pencil, and stationary manufacturers

     Medical services to treat paper cuts, glue licking sickness, and
back injuries for postal service workers

     Printing presses to make new stamps and dollar bills for the US
Government

     Law firms that specialize in defense against mail fraud

     And, most importantly, remedial math classes for all the idiots
who took part in this scheme.

     Here are some other people who have succeeded in this money
making formula.

     "Hi, I'm Willy, and my life was a mess.  I lost my job, my dog
died, my pickup truck broke down, and my girlfriend left me.  Now, not
only am I rich, I also make good money on the side as a country music
artist."

      "When I first tried this, everyone thought I was crazy, and said
that there weren't enough people on the planet to make it work.  I
guess I showed THEM who was crazy, because I sent this letter to all
my friends on OTHER planets!"

      And finally,

     "I used to be a small time loser like yourself, but then I tried
this money making formula.  Not only did I earn enough to start a
computer firm, I even was able to fund a presidential campaign!  This
really works, even if there is gonna be this great big suckin' sound
of letters bein' mailed to mexico. . . "

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