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This just in from Mars:   "The openly heterosexual former football player,
O.J. Simpson, was arrested today and charged with the murder of his former
wife and her companion.  The arrest sent shock waves throughout the
heterosexual community, as one of its most popular icons revived old
stereotypes that surround the heterosexual lifestyle.  'Wife-beating is not
equivalent to being heterosexual,' said Joe Eightpack, a spokesman for the
Straight Alliance Against Defamation.  'While it's true that some
heterosexuals engage in spousal abuse, it's still no more common among
straights than among gays.'  But opponents of heterosexual rights seized on
the incident.  'Every year, hundreds of thousands of women are victims of
this immoral subculture,' said the Rev. Donald Gaylord, spokesman for the
Concerned Homosexuals of America.  'There appears to have been a heterosexual
ring in Los Angeles, including the police force, that covered up this
depraved activity for years.  I'm particularly concerned about saving our
children from this kind of example.'  Statistics suggest a large minority of
heterosexual males are involved in some kind of domestic violence; one in
four heterosexual relationships involves violence, with 2 million to 4
million women affected each year.  Researchers who claim that heterosexuality
is a choice and not, as some believe, involuntary, argue that this makes it
even more important not to give social sanction to the activity.  'It's not
heterosexuals as such that we're opposed to,' argues Gaylord.  'It's their
self-destructive lifestyle.'"

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