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 The Consumers' Organization WHICH has released the following new
guides, which should help computer users, I mean customers, cope
with the choices available to them.

WHICH TERMINAL? Do you go for the nasty one with the flickering
screen, the one whose E key has been stuck on with chewing gum
and wobbles badly, the one next to the smelly student in the
anorak who is playing METHODIST SEX VAMPIRES FROM LUTON, or the
one without a chair?

WHICH DRINK? The drinks machine is offering a wide selection
today. But should you spend 20 pounds on a plastic cup full of
Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1955 or 20 pence on a drink which, if
sent to be analysed, would produce the diagnosis
"Congratulations, your giraffe is pregnant"? How about that Cola?
You may have survived it last time, but does it really meet
international typhoid standards?

WHICH STAFF MEMBER? When you want to get something done (e.g. get
them to fix that annoying bug in MAIL which has been annoying you
for two years), should you be nice to X, who is charming but very
junior, to Y, who is always willing to do things but totally
incompetent, or to Z, who is a senior staff member, very
efficient, but who goes around with a bone through his nose and a
neckless of shrunken heads? We analyse all your local staff
members and tell you which ones are safe to talk to.

WHICH CRIME? Should you plant a few viruses (100 pound fine),
should you press the big red button which turns off the entire
power supply (200 pound fine), or should you kidnap the Director
and pull all his toenails out (1000 pound fine but you get to
sleep with all the grateful users you want)? It's not always easy
to decide, is it?

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