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   In recent months, we have heard the Japanese call the US workers
lazy, greedy and illiterate.  Those are fighting words to us, even if
they may be true.  The question is what to do about it.  My
basketball coach always told me to exploit the weakness of the
opposition by using what (questionable) strengths I had.  I think the
US should do exactly that with Japan.  The Japanese are world leaders
in quality of goods and decades ahead of us in electronics like High
Definition Television (HDTV).  We will never be able to compete with
them in these areas, so we must redefine the competition.
   I propose that the FCC mandate a new form of Television called Low
Emission and Definition Television (LEAD-TV).  Such TV sets would
have lots of static interference, horrible resolution, be expensive,
break very often, and would be hard and frustrating to watch.  Exactly the
type of TV sets that American industry and workers are already geared
to produce!  The Japanese, on the other hand, could not produce such
sets without spending billions in retooling; in fact, they couldn't
even produce the necessary low tech tools and would have to buy them
from the US or places like Bulgaria and Albania.  Thus helping the
world balance of trade.
  But even if the Japanese retooled, in order to meet or deceed the FCC
standards they would have to import tens of thousand of American
workers to show their Japanese counterparts the "how to" of building
shoddy products.  The Japanese might even have to hire the entire upper
management of Ford, GM, Yale, and Stanford, to show Japanese management
how to really screw up production.  This would solve our unemployment
problem.
   (This does not solve all our problems as we still are left with lawyers.
Especially since the supreme court overturned (five to four), the progressive
Ohio law requiring lawyers who have cute phone numbers (like 1-800-SUE-THEM or
1-JUST-SAY-SUE or 1-800-I-AM-RICH) to be skinned alive, rolled in salt, then
impaled in front of the statehouse.  Something to do with something written
somewhere prohibiting "no cruel or unusual punishment."  Actually not the cruel
part, as the court felt the punishment is fitting and totally justified, but the
unusual part.  If we could only get Japan to copy our legal system, our trade
problems would cease.)
   But the biggest advantage of LEAD-TV would not be the jobs it
created; it would be the effect on our children.  Schools would require
that students watch at least 4 hours of LEAD-TV every day.  Since kids
never do what they are told, and LEAD-TV is so bad, I know my kids
would even risk a spanking to sneak upstairs, hide in a closet and read
a good book.  Yelling at them, of course, would only highten their resolve
to read.  In a decade, our kids could be the most literate in the
world!
  Now don't you think that our kids deserve the best of the worst we
can give them!  Help me in supporting LEAD-TV for the US, write the
FCC or you're congressman now, or if your a typical American and can't
right, just call 1-800-NUKE EM 2.

PS:  For those of you who think JUST-SAY-SUE isn't a valid area code,
the ABA sued the phone company in 1991 because there weren't enough
cute phone numbers and, of course, won.  Now any lawyer can use anything
for their area code.  Billions of dollars of phone equipment had to be
junked and we the consumers had to pay for that; but, hey, don't you
agree that our lawyers are worth every penny...

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