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Advice on baby care -- your questions answered.
 
Q. I am the father of a two-month old baby and he is fascinated by a
Helium balloon that we have bought him.  It is called Mr Smiley and
has a smiling face on one side, with the words 'Don't worry'. He keeps
playing with the thing, tugging on the string and letting the balloon
rise again. However what is worrying me is that he seems more
interested in Mr Smiley than he is in me: also he seems to resemble Mr
Smiley very strongly, in that he is fat, full of wind, and smiles a
lot in an enigmatic way. Is it possible that my wife has committed
adultery with Mr Smiley, and the baby is not my son at all?
 
A. This is highly improbable. The baby probably likes Mr Smiley
because he comes when the baby pulls him. You could try bobbing up and
down above the cot, smiling vacuously. Pretend you are a politician
running for office, maybe.
 
Q. My baby is only one month old and can already speak fluent French.
So far the words he says are 'a', 'la', 'ou' and 'gout' (which of
course he pronounces correctly as 'goo'.) His English is more limited,
and he keeps trying to tell me something about 'glue'. Why is this?
 
A. This is well-known. All babies can speak fluent French at the age
of one month. Most of them forget it again. The fact that he is trying
to say 'chacun a son gout' probably means that he is reading your
books when you think he is asleep in his cot. However, I do not know
what he is trying to tell you about glue. On no account give him any
to sniff, and make sure he isn't sniffing it when your back is turned.
Tell-tale signs include a huge tube stuck in the nostrils.
 
Q. My wife drinks lots of water, which she turns into milk. The baby
then drinks it, and it passes through his system and ends up in the
nappy.  Could I save time by pouring the water straight into his
nappy?
 
A. Good idea. You could also save the child the trouble of soiling his
nappies by filling them with best quality fertilizer. Or recycle the
speeches of any convenient politician.
 

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