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SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING ON PRODUCTS
# 127748
Comestible Ingredient: "Uh-Huh"
"Uh-Huh": A psychochemical drug usually found in powder or syrup form. It
is dark-brown to black in color. Main extract from the spiny
North American Mid-Western plant called "unk-ha" by the local
Indians. Latin name: ofelius likapepsis.
Approved by the FDA January 13th, 1983 to be used in the distribution of
carbonated drinks. Original purpose for filler, later used to enhace the
flavor of drinks over-thinned by costwise production.
On March 14th, 1992, Punkadyne Labratories, in accordance with FDA studies,
released its report on the long-term effects of the ingredients. The basic
results of the tests are presented here for public distribution. The results
of this test were used to provide leverage to ban the organic compound from
public consumption. The findings were conclusive, and the process is in
litagation.
Punkadyne Labratories tested pre-measrued doses on 500 Lawyers from the
Washington DC area. Lab rats were initially considered, but there are some
things a lab rat just simply won't do.
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Dose: 5-10mg/day (Equivalent to 1 Diet Pepsi Cola)
Effect Test Control
Occasional sleeplessness 39% 2%
Mild stimulant 46% 9%
Dose: 10-50mg/day (Equivalent to Diet Pepsi 6-pack or 3 A&W Creme Sodas)
Effect Test Control
Restlessness 45% 5%
Irritability 69% 9%
Mild mood swings 55% 13%
Watching "Late Night with David Letterman" 23% 0%
Dose: 50-100mg/day (Equivalent to whole box of "No-Doz")
Effect Test Control
Severe mood shifts 56% 9%
Liking "Late Night with David Letterman" 34% 0%
Occaisonal babbling about past girlfriends 89% 23%
Numbness in extremities 35% 2%
Scored low on incompetency exams 84% 84%
Dose: 100-200mg/day (Equivalent to Post-Trauma Adrenaline rush)
Effect Test Control
Schizophrenia 56% 4%
Being a guest on "Late Night with David Letterman" 44% 0%
Calling up past girlfriends and telling them off 98% 11%
Melanin count doubles 44% 0%
Couldn't spell name on incompetency exam 75% 12%
Dose: 200-300mg/day (Equivalent to replacing blood with coffee)
Effect Test Control
Violent multiple personalities suing each other 78% 9%
Guest Hosting on "Late Night with David Letterman" 61% 0%
Stalking past girlfriends for the kill 98% 22%
Desire to play piano with eyes closed 52% 0%
Couldn't find incompetency exam 89% 8%
Dose: 300-400mg/day (Equivalent to snorting dandelions)
Effect Test Control
Each body part becomes separate entity 77% 2%
Replaces "Late Night with David Letterman" 94% 0%
Dresses dead body of girlfriend in sequin dress 87% 11%
Becomes blind and a terriffic piano player 49% 0%
Drooled on incompetency exam 77% 56%
Spontaneous decapitation 45% 5%
Dose: 400-500mg/day (Equivalent to replacing blood with cocaine)
Effect Test Control
Death via self-mutilation 99% 1%
Is David Letterman 0% 1%
Beaten up by ERA member 12% 95%
Ate incompetency exam 62% 12%
Dose: Over 500mg/day (No earthy equivalent)
Effect Test Control
Death 100% 2%
All test subjects were given straight 100% uh-huh mixed in with a martini.
Control groups were given a martini with an uh-huh look-alike, X7. All
subjects were kept in a natural enviroment, complete with ceiling mirrors
and volumes of legal paperwork to keep them company. The use of inflatable
women was restricted to keep the heart rate low, and was substituted with
Girl Scout magazines.
Results are being scrutinized, as some find the lawyer's response to be
confused with normal lawyer off-hour behavior.
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(c)1992 Punkadyne Research Labratory and Archives at walrus@bessel.umd.edu
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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