| RHF Joke Archives | 
In talk.bizarre <BxJ2LF.471@jfwhome.FUNHOUSE.COM>, John F. Woods writes:
> In misc.consumers.house fredch@phx.mcd.mot.com (Fred Christiansen) writes:
> >Can anyone give me source(s) for full spectrum lights, either
> >incandescent or fluorescent (preferably both)?
>
> please post the answers. most of the
> light sources i've investigated have
> been seriously lacking in x and gamma
> radiation, to say nothing of the
> irritating gaps in the microwave region.
Squint Technologies
4545 Azure Terrace
Kingston, ACT.
asst decorator to Mr X
c/o John F. Woods,
jfw@jfwhome.FUNHOUSE.COM
Sir,
It is with considerable pleasure that I disport
the following product information. Please note that
the attached pricelist does not include federal or
state taxes.
Sincerely,
John Brown
VP, Squint Technologies.
[Leaflet reprinted with permission]
/~ _ _ _ _ _ ._ . _ _ |\| _ l_ . _ _
(_ (_)[ '[_]`-,(_ (_l|_, | l )(_l l |(-'\^/[_) | (-'`-,
~ _l ~ ~ ~
Be the first on your block to own a Coruscating Newbie(tm)!
Made from the finest, hand chosen material, using no third-world
or disreputable parts, Squint Enterprises is proud to be
able to bring you our Coruscating Newbie product line.
FEATURES:
o Convenient packet sizes. (x.25 version available on request)
o Not yet proscribed by any government agency.
o Ability to illuminate vast areas of space with minimal effort
o Non toxic waste products (no fluorocarbons, ozone safe!)
o Easy, no fuss payment plan [MasterCard, Visa, Amex, Cash etc.]
o BLAZEMONGER compatible [Amiga is a trade mark of Commodore]
PRODUCT DESCRIPTION:
Coruscating Newbies are piped to your site in an uncombusted state,
initiation is via a number of prepackaged keywords, or by your
own keywords, created by a simple to use keyword generator, supplied
free of charge when you buy six or more Coruscating Newbies. We take
every care to make sure that our brand of Coruscating Newbies are wide
spectrum energised, with particular efficiency at the lower infra-red
end of the spectrum, extending to sub-microwave levels without the
application of additional boosters. 2% w/w whining factor is
guaranteed.
Squint Enterprises offers convenient Booster Paks for those customers
who have special illumination requirements above and beyond the already
excellent capabilities of our Coruscating Newbie range.
Unsolicited testimonials from satisfied customers are available upon
request. We regret that most of our customers are not willing to
publicly reveal their support of our product.
PRICING:
Basic Pak: 2 Coruscating Newbies, glossy promotional material,
informative manual, free subscription to 'What Flamer'
$100 Quatloos magazine, cheap entry level system recommended for
the busy professional with little time to spare.
CN Six Pak: Our most popular package. Consists of six freshly
minted Coruscating Newbies, with a FREE keyword
generator [please specify PERL, REXX or SED version]
$250 Quatloos includes free subscription to 'What Flamer', and
a useful scoresheet, with six Plonk stickers, so
you can keep track of your conquests.
Mega Pak: A magnificent gift idea! A whole half-a-hundred
individually packaged Coruscating Newbies. Be the
$1500 Quatloos envy of local network service providers and small
democracies, with your scintillating and devastating
demolition of our richly cadmium salted Coruscating
Newbies. With this many ready and willing victims at
your disposal, you could cripple entire newsgroups
with detonation after detonation of pure clean
violently combusting pyres of concentrated flame.
Also included are four scoresheets, and 54
*Plonk* stickers, as well as a complimentary
two year subscription to 'What Flamer' magazine, and
a free 'Have you been Plonked lately?' T-Shirt
[please state size, S, M, L, XL, "Jolter"]
Booster Pak: For those with the need for especially violent
eructions, our Booster Pak can add fifty percent
$200 Quatloos or more to the total devastation already packaged
into our Coruscating Newbies.
WARNING: Squint Enterprises cannot be held responsible
for insufficient care and handling of our enhanced
Coruscating Newbies with Booster.
Sufficient material is included to boost six
Coruscating Newbies to their ultimate pyrotechnic
potential.
Also Available: Additional scoresheets, Plonk stickers, T-Shirts
"What Flamer" magazine subscriptions and
backorders, and our easy to use Keyword Generator.
[Price depends upon quantity ordered]
ORDER FORM:
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Order Code | Name | Unit | Amt | Total | Additional Info
-----------------------------------------------------------------
34-0002 | Basic Pak | $100 | | .00|
-----------------------------------------------------------------
34-0106 | CN Pak | $250 | | .00| (PERL, REXX, SED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
34-1750 | Mega Pak |$1500 | | .00| (S,M,L,XL,"Jolter"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
35-0206 | Booster Pak| $200 | | .00|
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Total Amount Payable [ .00]
MasterCard/Visa/Amex Number ____ ____ ____ ____
Expiry Date __
Name on Card __________________________________
Delivery Address (Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery)
Name:_________________
Street:_______________
Suburb:_______________
City:_________________ Zip _____
Country:______________
Network Address:____________________________________________
Alternate Network:__________________________________________
Orders can be sent to
Attn: Marketing Director,
Squint Enterprises,
P.O. Box 4666,
Kingston, ACT, 2604
AUSTRALIA.
(61) 6 286 3633
DISCLAIMER
Squint Enterprises guarantees our Coruscating Newbie(tm) line to be
free of inferior craftmanship and manufacturing defects, however
the company cannot be held responsible for ineffective deployment
of our product, and actively discourages 'Coruscades'.
Squint Enterprises is an Equal Opportunity Employer.
Squint Enterprises - "When only the zest will do."
Dac
--
dac@prolix.apana.org.au David Andrew Clayton
dac@prolix.sserve.cc.adfa.oz.au Canberra, Australia
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
| RHF Joke Archives |