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	I originally posted this to netnew.alt.tv.muppets and some people who
read it told me I should send it here.
	What has gone before: 
	About every three weeks, somebody posts to 'muppets' asking the
following questions "I heard somewhere that Ernie, on Sesame Street, has
died. Is this true? Also, are Ernie and Bert gay?" This is about the
most consistant FAQ I've seen on any b-board. I got tired of hearing it,
so I posted the following:

	Oh come on, Ernie and Bert are not gay, and Ernie is not dead. If you
must know they're communist agents sent to infiltrate Sesame Street. Its
true. In the height of the cold-war the Soviets became envious of our
Puppet-making technology. They used their own crude technology to
manufacture two puppets, Ernie and Bert, which they sent to America to
spy on the rest of Jim Hensen's merry little band of Muppets. They were,
however, under strict orders not to fraternize too closely with the
other members of the cast, for fear that they would get corrupted by the
cheap thrills and fast times of being a famous puppet. This explains,
why they were almost never shown in skits which included any other
characters.
	The nasal twang with which Bert's speaks betrays him as a non-American
to any trained Linguist worth his (or her) salt. It is actually the
unmistakeable accent of one born and bred in East-Moscow. Ernie's
squeaky laugh and goofy good humor betray  him as a resident of the
Ukraine.
	The fact that Ernie and Bert are spies also explain why Bert is so fond
of pigeons. They are not ordinary pigeons that he is fond of, no, they
are special Russian puppet carrier pigeons which he uses to send
messages back to the homeland. And Ernie's "rubber duckie"is actually a
cleverly disguised snub-nosed Browning 38 with which he deals with
people who get too close to his sinister secret.
	Do you think it was any accident that Jim Henson's death occured so close
to the collapse of the Soviet empire. Do you think that its any accident
that Bert's dance "Doin' the Pigeon" is almost identical to the marching
style of members of the Red Army -- which, itself, is almost identical
to the Nazi goosestep!
	These are all true facts, you understand. Since the Soviet collapse
Ernie has gone underground, while Bert remains a contact man on the
outside. Who knows what evil schemes these two are concocting as we sit
here, having pointless debates about the sexual leanings of pieces of
felt and foam rubber.

		Jason

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