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[Editor's note: this is a little out of date, but still pretty accurate.
 Remember to submit topical humor to topical@clarinet.com for priority
 processing.  Thanks.]

Like most of you, I've gotten too busy to keep close track of all the 
Presidential campaigners and their instantaneous stances on the major issues.
So here at Humal Labs we've compiled a Quik Presidential Issue Stance Summary
Reference Card (called the Quik PISSER card for short). Laminated versions of 
the cards are forthcoming  as soon as the various flip-flopping and waffling 
settles down. Please note that like the candidates stances themselves, the 
QuikPIsSR info is subject to change without notice or reason. We hope that 
with this card you will be better informed in November when you are selecting
another country in which to live. 

Sincerely,

Norman Humal
Humal Labs
Hanksville,Vt
----------------------------------------------------------------------

THE QUIK PISSER card: Do not fold, spindle or mutate. For topical use only:
do not ingest or take seriously. In the event of swallowing, induce vomiting
by repeating the words "President Quayle". 

Budget:
-------
Bush: wants to be the budget president
Perot: Needs more info;  has some Soldier of Fortune PIs researching members
       of Congress and their families
Clinton: Favors a world bankruptcy court
Brown:  Proposes an all volunteer government 
Quayle: Knows its somehow related to government spending

Taxes:
-------
Bush: cut witholding to f*ck us in april; lips no longer legible
Perot: Raise,lower, maybe... Needs more info, another PI, and one more stance.
Clinton: Raise for rich, lower for anyone who will vote for him
Brown: Flat tax; federal sales tax on all new mantras
Quayle: Considers Dallas-Ft Worth a second home

Defense spending:
-----------------
Bush: Need to bolster defense spending to defend economic interests
        from petty third world dictators 
Perot: Proceeds from Reagan Era currently funding campaign
Clinton: Spends most of time defending self
Brown: Drastic cuts; convert Pentagon into Ashram
Quayle: Wants to be prepared for continued Soviet threat

Environment:
---------------
Bush: Has positioned US as leader in planetary distruction; formerly
       the environmental president
Perot: Environment should come first if theres any money in it; favors
       replenishment of forests via commercial development
Clinton: Dim lights, some wine, a Johnny Mathis album and satin pajamas
Brown: pray for buffalo, do what the Wind says, no more treaties with
          the white man; rents Dances with Wolves weekly.
Quayle: Realizes that without water and air there could be no golf;
        lost balloon in Rain Forest at SD Zoo.

Foreign Affairs:
-----------------
Bush: Looking for another little war to perk everybody up again
Perot: Currently in escrow on two fixer upper 3rd world countries
Clinton: Has had 4 not counting Ingrid.
Brown: Lost a mess kit and favorite sleeping bag in Tibet
Quayle: Currently enrolled in English as Second Language class

Japanese Trade deficit:
-------------------------
Bush: If the Japanese dont do something voluntarily has pledged 
       to go hurl on them again.
Perot: Favors reviving internment camps
Clinton: Best way to reduce trade deficit is thru further economic decline
         of US
Brown: Traded Honda civic for '72 Skylark
Quayle: Says we should sell them more of our stuff; watches an RCA tv.

Education:
--------------
Bush: Funding cuts should continue until the SATs scores improve; formerly
      the education president
Perot: Claims time and money could be saved by just educating the good students
        once his investigators have identified them.
Clinton: Spend more money creating competency tests; still does an occasional
         college babe
Brown: Favors pyrimid shaped school buildings and compulsary learning crystals  
Quayle: none discernible

Abortion:
------------
Bush: Against except in cases of incest or pre-Reagan era flashback
Perot: Against except in cases of minorities 
Clinton: For and willing to split cost if woman doesnt talk to press
Brown: For, assumes soul of fetus is reincarnated as spotted owl
Quayle: Against except in cases of fictional TV characters

Drugs:
-------
Bush: Now that we've licked the Commies we can get the CIA out of the
      trafficking that propped up the Latin American puppet Republics
Perot: Constitutional founding fathers obviously left out definition of
       required Gestapo-like police force as oversight
Clinton: If he had it to do over again he would have inhaled
Brown: Stayed away from the brown acid at Woodstock
Quayle: Just says Noe



copyright HumalLabs 1992
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