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The following is a true story from the not-yet-formed archives of
WMNJ 88.9fm "The Voice of Drew University"
THE 12-HOUR SAGA OF...DAVE
During the school year, WMNJ is not able to be on the air 24 hours a day.
Therefore, certain DJ's open up the station at 6 in the morning and others
shut it down at 2 that night. One of these DJ's, let's call him Dave,
is an idiot.
Please note: Just for a visual image for you, he is rather oaf-ish in
appearance, big and stupid-looking. Bad haircut and
disturbing facial expressions. Wears a trench coat that
makes him look like a flasher.
Please note: On one wall in the studio is all the info you need about WMNJ.
In large, friendly letters is:
"ALL questions and problems are to be sent via voice-mail
to the business line of the radio station, and not to the
exec board's personal phones. Thank you."
Also, the business line sent out a distlist message to all the
DJ's a week prior, saying that the station will shut down
every night at two am.
Dave has a show from midnight until two am. Here's how the day went.
2:41 pm Air Staff Director (ASD) receives phone message in her own voice-
mail box from Dave that says "Uh...yes...Carolyn, this is Dave.
I have a show tonight and I was wondering if I'm supposed to shut
down the station after my show. Uh...just call me back."
2:03 pm ASD replies back to message: "Yes, Dave, you
do in fact have to shut down. The instructions are on the wall.
If you have any problems, call me."
Please note: That last statement, of course, was a BIG mistake.
Please note: ASD does not dare to actually telephone Dave for fear that she
might not be able to get him off the phone in time for a
dinner meeting at 5:30 that evening.
12:30 am Dave is one half-hour into his show. ASD's phone rings.
CONVERSTATIONS WITH DAVE, PART ONE
DAVE: Yes...um...Carolyn...this is Dave. I'm at the radio
station right now and I want to know what I need to do to shut
down. I do need to shut down after my show, right?
ASD: Yes, you do Dave. Did you get my message this afternoon?
DAVE: Um...why...um...yes, I did.
ASD: (to self) Okay, then why the hell are you calling me?
(to Dave) What's up?
DAVE: Um...well...yes. I want to know what I need to do to shut
down.
ASD: (experiencing deja-vu) The instructions are on the wall, Dave.
DAVE: Um...yes...I know that...and...um...now exactly where would
they be?
Please note: WMNJ has a very small broadcast studio. One can read the
posted material on the wall from the other side of the room.
ASD: (to self) Oh Lord.
(to Dave) See that paper on the wall that says Shut-Down
Procedures? Follow that. It's easy.
DAVE: Um...yes...I do see it. The one next to the Sublist, right?
ASD (to self) Way to go Dave, you're a bright boy.
(to Dave) That's it.
DAVE: Okay...yes...well...um...all I need to do is follow that?
ASD: Yep.
Please note: The ASD does not make the mistake of repeating "Call
me if you have any problems" for fear of re-awaking the idea in
Dave's muddled brain.
DAVE: Yes...well...um...and I can call you if I have any problems?
ASD: (to self) Damn, too late.
(to Dave) If you need to...
DAVE: Yes...well...um...thank you, see you later.
12:35 am ASD heaves sigh of relief.
1:10 am CONVERSATIONS WITH DAVE, PART TWO
The Cheif Engineer's (CE) phone rings. It's Dave. Dave wants to
know what he needs to do to shut down, and of course, to check
if he should in fact shut down and not wait for the next DJ and
does she know what the station will be shut down when she gets there.
1:18 am ASD's phone rings. It's the CE.
ASD: Hi there! Had any interesting converstations lately?
CE: Very funny. Can I kill him?
ASD: Sure, go ahead. But do me a favor?
CE: What?
ASD: Make it slow and painful and let me help.
CE: Sure.
2:07 am ASD's phone rings. Praying that it's not Dave, and that it's
maybe Public Safety instead, calling to inform her that her
car has just been towed from campus because it blew up,
she answers.
CONVERSATIONS WITH DAVE, PART THREE
DAVE: Yes...well...um...Carolyn, I'm about to close down the station and
I just wanted to check with you about, well, um, closing down.
ASD: (to self) Dave, you're not really human, are you?
(to Dave) Just follow the instructions, Dave,
that's all you need.
DAVE: Okay...yes...well...um...I think I may have a problem.
ASD: (to self) Just one? I think not.
(to Dave) And what's that, Dave?
DAVE: I don't seem to know how to turn off the cart machines.
Please note: In the shut-down instructions it says to shut off the
the CD players, the cassette deck and the turntables.
Do you read the words "cart machines" anywhere?
ASD: Don't worry, Dave, you don't have to.
DAVE: Yes...but Adam (the CE) told me to turn off all the equipment.
ASD: I'm sure he didn't mean ALL the equipment, Dave.
Just follow the instructions.
DAVE: Yes...well...um...are you sure? Adam told me all the
equipment.
ASD: Well, I'm telling you turn turn off ONLY the CD players,
the cassette deck and the turtables. Goodbye, Dave.
DAVE: Yes...well...um...if you're sure. Is there anything else I need
to know?
ASD: (to self) Yes. It would make me very happy if you went to
go play in traffic. Goodbye, Dave.
(to Dave, hoping this little bit would shut him up) Okay,
Dave, after you turn everything off, there will be a low
hissing sound. Don't worry about it. That's the monitor, it
never gets turned off. Okay?
DAVE: Yes...okay...um...a low hissing sound...yes...um...I understand.
Okay. (pause)
ASD: Goodbye, Dave.
2:20 am Dave should have been long gone from the station by now.
Instead the (sleeping) CE's phone rings.
CONVERSATIONS WITH DAVE, PART FOUR
DAVE: Yes...Adam...this is Dave. I'm down at the--
CE: (to self) Dave, please drop dead. Now. Right now.
(to Dave) What's up?
DAVE: Yes...well...um...I was just wondering if you wanted me to
shut down the board.
ASD: What???!!!
DAVE: Shouldn't I shut down the board? There is a low hissing
sound--
CE: (to self) Kill. Kill. Kill.
(to Dave) Dave, do NOT touch the board. It only gets turned
off at the end of the semester. Do NOT touch it. The low
hissing sound is because of the monitor. It always does that.
DAVE: Yes...well...um...okay...I understand. See you later. <click>
CE: (staring at phone) Kill mutant! Kill mutant! Kill mutant!
CE's ROOMATE: Huh? What mutant? Who's a mutant?
CE: Shut up.
2:25 ASD's phone rings. ASD has inner conflict over answering phone.
Maybe it really is Public Safety this time.
CE: Guess who just called me.
ASD: Dan Quayle.
CE: No, worse. Dave.
ASD: Why does that not surprise me?
CE: He wanted to shut down the board.
ASD: What???!!!
CE: You bet. He heard a low, hissing sound so he wanted to shut
down the board.
ASD proceeds to tell CE about the prievious convo with Dave.
CE: You know, idiot just doesn't fit.
ASD: No, it doesn't. How about moron?
CE: Yes! Moron! That's it!
CE's ROOMMATE: Who's a moron?
ASD: Definitely.
ASD's call waiting beeps in.
ASD: Adam, hold on, I have another call. I wonder just who it
could be.
ASD answers second call. And it's.............MORON MAN!
CONVERSATIONS WITH DAVE, PART FIVE
Please note: If Dave had a life or a clue, this probably wouldn't be
happening, but he has neither, so it is.
ASD: Hello?
DAVE: Yes...well...um...Carolyn, this is--
ASD: I know, Dave. Is there a problem?
DAVE: Yes...well...um...I don't seem to have a key to lock the door.
ASD: (to self) No, Dave, not only do you not SEEM to have a key,
you don't HAVE one at all! And there's a reason for it,
you MORON!
(to Dave) You don't need one, Dave. The door locks automatically
behind you. It's in the instructions.
ASD realizes how truly useless that last phrase really was.
DAVE: Okay...well...um...I understand now.
ASD: (to self) Good boy, Dave. Now go away.
DAVE: Yes...well...um...I'll be seein' ya!
ASD resumes convo with CE
CE: What did he want?
ASD: He needed the key.
CE: Huh?
ASD: To lock up.
CE: But you don't need a key to lock up.
ASD: Right! But Dave does.
CE: Can we say...death to Dave?
ASD: One, two, three...
CE and ASD: DEATH TO DAVE!!
CE's ROOMMATE: (half asleep, mumbling, but with feeling) Death to Dave.
THIS HAS BEEN THE 12-HOUR SAGA OF...DAVE!
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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