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                      REPUBLICAN DANCE MUSIC

by Greg Kimura

After the Wynonna Judd debacle at the Republican Convention (thousands
of white people clapping out of beat to a disconcerted Judd singing
"Why not me?") many commentators, columnists and political pundits have
knocked Republicans about their inability to dance.  These knocks are 
pretty much in the same vein:

>Most Entertaining Part of the Republican Convention:
>Watching an auditorium full of white people make idiots out of
>themselves, trying to keep time to Waynona Judd.

This politically incorrect obsdervation is an offense to all fair minded
Americans, and must not go unchallenged.  In LeVon Lee's ground
breaking article in the Journal of Endocrinolgy titled "White
Republican Dancing: Genetics or Culture?" found that this type of
arhythmic movement to popular music is perceived by 9 out of 10 white
Republicans as "funky."

Lee suggests that the rhythmically challenged be presented more
prosodic and metrical forms of music, e.g. polkas, before graduating up
to more complex rhythmic forms such as the aforementioned Wynonna
Judd.  Lee maintains that with our patience and committment, these
people are "even capable of dancing to the Republo-Latin beats of
Gloria Estefan."  Tragically though, he notes that the Pointer Sisters
and Michael Jackson are far beyond their primitive capabilities.  "We
must foster an atmosphere of tolerence and understanding for these
people," he said.  Lee calls for Americans to support nothing less than a
full-scale rhythmic affirmative action program.

In support of this program I humbly submit the following song to Rich
Bond of the Republican National Committee:


        THE KENNEBUNKPORT HILLBILLY 

(sung to the Beverly Hillbillies)

Let me tell you bout a story bout a man named Bush
   A rich Yale Grad whose life was always cush
But then one day as he ran for chief exec
   He hung Willie Horton 'round Mike Dukakis neck
Crime that is.  Black Gold.  Texas Tee...

Well the next thing you know ole George is president
   But he chose Dan Quayle to his party's great lament
He named Clarence Thomas to be Justice of his Court
   Pissed off the women with an Afro-Bob Bork
No choice that is.  Back in the kitchen!  Cookies...

Well 4 years later his campaign is on the rocks
   He said don't they know how I bombed 'em in Iraq!
Now he blames all his problems on a congress he abhors
   And the voters tell the polls they want Clinton and Gore.
Bill that is.  Sax playing white boy.  Uppity wife.  And no Perot...

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