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This is an original humorous speech a fiend of mine (Shaun Morris) presented
to a class. 

--

Heroes.  We all have them.  At least we're SUPPOSED to all have them...  So you
can imagine my disappointment when I realized that I didn't have a hero.  I had
to find one.  U2?  There's too many of them, and they wear too much leather.
Candice Bergen? Tough, and beautiful, but she's related to Edgar Bergen, the
ventriloquist.  James Brown?  He's cool, but he had a song in Rocky III.  And
then it struck me.  My new hero.

Today, I'll sing the praises of my new hero.  He's socially responsible, he
embodies the American dream, and he hasn't let success change him. He's still
the same old guy. Just like us.

My hero should be socially responsible.  Not just someone who goes after what's
in his or her best interest, but someone who tries to make a difference.  Tries
to make the world a better place.  My hero is out there every day, trying to
make life a little easier for a group of men who suffer from a tragic illness.
He helps them to overcome their handicap, and to be accepted into society. I'm
talking, of course, about Male Pattern Baldness, and my new hero is none other
than Sy Sperling, President of Hair Club for Men.

What does the American Dream mean to you?  The American Dream, to me means
moving up in society.  Starting out with nothing, and attaining success with
nothing but your blood, and sweat, and a few carefully placed bribes. Like
"The Jeffersons".  They started out with nothing, living next to Archie
Bunker.  But they had a little laundromat, and some friends at the network,
and they got their OWN show, with a maid, and a theme song.  This is the
American Dream.  Sy Sperling is that dream, too.  He didn't even have friends
at the network, or a de-luxe apartment in the sky.  All he had was a little
business, and a dream, and enough money to put together a 30 second
commercial.  He did it all himself, he put together his little commercial, and
his hard work and sincerity paid off.  He was average, and yet he was on
television, and we all loved him for it.


He's Sy Sperling.  He knows he's Sy Sperling.  People on the street know he's
Sy Sperling.  And he gets the joke.  "It's a fun thing for me", he says.  He's
not like those other TV hucksters, who get their cheap commercials made, but
end up looking like schmucks, he's Sy Sperling the Hair Club President, a rare
success at a difficult task.  He's not Victor Kiam, pawning the Lady Remington
Rechargeable.  This is no Crazy Ed, of Ed's TV and Leisurewear Emporium,
SLASHING prices to the bare walls in a mad, everything must go frenzy.  This
is Sy Sperling, unearthing the Myths and Misconceptions of Minoxidol.  He
talks about weaves, toupes, wigs.  The suture process.  In easy to understand
English.  He's a celebrity, but he's just like us.  He's no perfect,
glamorous greek god of a man.  He's Sy Sperling.  He's bald.  He understands.

I've told you why Sy Sperling is my new hero.  I know he's not for everyone,
but to me, in his own way, he embodies everything great about a society which
is desperate for heroes, which is why I my heart fills with joy every time I
hear those heavenly words.  "I'm not just the Hair Club President; I'm also a
client."

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