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 For the last 3 weeks, officially, and for the last 2 years, unofficially,
we've had to endure the tedium of a General Election campaign in the UK.
As a result the last 20-odd news bulletins I've heard have been
something like this:

Here is the news.
The election campaign today concentrated on the issue of
Health./Education./the EEC./taxes./the economy./Defence./public transport./
 devolution./public spending.
For the Tories,
John Major/Douglas Hurd/Kenneth Clark/Norman Lamont/Kenneth Baker
condemned/described
Neil Kinnock/Gerald Kaufman/John Smith/Gordon Brown/Roy Hattersley/John Prescott
as a
bearded/bald/Welsh/sinister/fat/stupid
creep,/moron,/windbag,/toad,/lunatic,/fraud,
while for Labour,
Neil Kinnock/Gerald Kaufman/John Smith/Gordon Brown/Roy Hattersley/John Prescott
condemned/described
John Major/Douglas Hurd/Kenneth Clark/Norman Lamont/Kenneth Baker
as a
selfish/bloated/dangerous/brutal/crooked/lying/dull grey
hound./android./snob./Rottweiler./swindler.
For the Liberal Democrats,
Paddy Ashdown condemned the
personal attacks/bickering/negative tactics/rudeness/insults/attitudes
of the other two parties and described
John Kinnock/Neil Major/Gerald Hurd/Douglas Kaufman/John Lamont/Norman Smith
as a
crazy/wicked/despotic/foolish/nasty/confused
child-molester./mass-murderer/rapist./thief./liar./adulterer.
Three new opinion polls were published today: a
Mori/Harris
poll puts the Conservatives
3/4/5/6/7
points ahead, whereas a
National Opinion Poll/Gallup poll
puts the Labour Party
3/4/5/6/7
points ahead. A
MORON/RAVING/BATTY/DUMBO/GOOFY
poll puts the
Liberal Democrats/Monster Raving Loony Party/Welsh Nationalists/
 Whiplash (corrective) party/Natural Law party/Fancy Dress party/Gremloids
in the lead by
27/37/47
percentage points. The BBC poll of polls, which combines the four
most recent polls, puts
Labour/the Conservatives
one point/half a point/two points/one and a half points
ahead.
And now the rest of the news:
World War III broke out today./China has invaded Australia./
 Saddam Hussein has attacked Israel./the Martians have landed./
 the Second Coming took place 20 minutes ago./
 the Netherlands disappeared under the sea this morning./
 Chernobyl has exploded again.

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