| RHF Joke Archives | 
From ginger::ginger::mrgate::"a1::michaelc" Thu Dec 26 17:10:48 1991
From: NAME: Michael J. Clark
FUNC: Security
TEL: (603)535-2330 <MICHAELC AT A1 AT GINGER>
To: michaelc@oz@mrgate
Author: Michael J. Clark
AUTOMATION IN THE 20th CENTURY
By Michael J. Clark
The setting is a typical bedroom, a woman is in the bed asleep,
next to her bed is a night stand with an alarm clock and a
telephone. Suddenly the woman awakens to the sound of a strange
noise in the house, she looks around, starts to panic and then
picks up her phone to call the police.
Woman: (Startled and panicked, talking out loud to herself in a
low tone) "I-I-I-I've got to call the police, there's someone
here, oh God I know there is, let's see...what's the number,
(she nervously punches the numbers into the phone.)
After a few rings the phone is answered, there is a delay, then
we hear: "Welcome to our emergency phone mate 911, the automated
emergency answering system, the latest in emergency response
technology! If you are calling from a touch tone phone, please
enter a 1 at the tone, enter now"......(the woman looks both
shocked and puzzled as she nervously punches in a "1") "Thank
you, our emergency phone mate 911 recognizes that you are
calling from a touch tone phone......To serve you better your
police and emergency services have set up this system to route
your call to the appropriate emergency service personnel......If
you are in need of police assistance enter a 5, if you require
information in Spanish, enter 7, in Chinese enter 4, in Greek
enter 9, in French enter 6 or Italian enter an 8, if you wish
fire or medical service enter a 3 and the corresponding
numerical code for the language in which you will be speaking or
in need of translation......to repeat the previous information
please enter 0.......Enter your code now please"......(the
woman, who has now gone from fear and panic to being irritated
and confused enters a 5 and waits.....) "Emergency phone mate
911 recognizes that you have requested police assistance in
English....In order to better serve you, please enter the
appropriate number at the tone....a 1 if your call is not an
emergency, a 2 if you need information, a 3 if you are
returning a call from a police official, a 4 if you are
inquiring about a parking ticket, or a 5 if this is an
emergency, enter your code now"........(she shakes her head and
rolls her eyes and enters a 5 quite forcefully) "Emergency phone
mate 911 recognizes that you have a police emergency, please
enter a 1 if it is a life threatening emergency, a 2 if it is a
non life threatening emergency, a 3 if there are weapons
involved, a 4 if there are multiple perpetrators, a 5 if the
perpetrators are non English speaking and will require a Miranda
warning in any other language....Please be sure to enter the
appropriate language code if you enter a 5....if the police
emergency is a non life threatening rape or physical assault
please enter a 7.......
-2-
(the woman now has lost her temper, she punches in a 2 saying
out loud "How the hell do I know if it's life threatening or not
you imbecile!) "Emergency phone mate 911 recognizes that you
have a police emergency that is non life threatening, emergency
phone mate will now direct your call to the appropriate
department for response.....please hold while your call is
transferred.....(we hear ringing......, the phone is answered)
"Dunkin Donuts, may I help you?" ........
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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