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Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants. This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings
#351 through #375 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as
among the funniest.
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--- 353-03 0017d 4.6 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O mighty Oracle, endowed with the wisdom of the Universe and one
> really nasty babe for a main squeeze,
>
> Why do people think legalizing drugs is The Answer? I thought The
> Answer was 42.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The great and mighty Oracle has deigned to give you an answer to this
} question. You should offer thanks.
}
} Throughout time immemorial, it has been asked: What is the purpose of
} human existance?
}
} At first this was easy. The answer was food.
}
} You see, back in the Paleozoooliphic, the answer to everything was
} either food or rock.
}
} What do you want? "Food" Where do you live? "Rock" Look, that guy is
} making off with your stuff, what will you do? "Rock make him food!"
}
} As you can see, conversation wasn't too stimulating, and philosophers
} were stuck with saying things like "rock is rock" and "food is not
} rock." Luckily rock candy had not been invented yet.
}
} Many years passed, vocab increased, and finally the ancient greeks got
} back around to the question. Socrates explained how the question had no
} meaning. He of course was wrong, but he was such a great pain in the
} ass that people agreed with him to shut him up. Finally, they slipped
} some hemlock in his tea, and that was that.
}
} Later, once the vocabulary had gotten all settled, the
} Romans came up with another answer, one which many of us would agree
} with today. This, of course was sex. It was later found, however, that
} sex could not be the answer. Sex was the question. Yes was the answer.
}
} This whole issue got more confused around the time of Jesus. You see,
} Jesus was convinced that Love was the answer. By this, he did not mean
} what most people think of as love, because then he could have just
} said that sex is the answer. That would lead to the problem above,
} Now, Love might be a possible alternative to sex, but the Romans
} were so upset by the idea that sex wasn't it, that they nailed Jesus
} to a couple of planks.
}
} The Roman empire fell to the barbarians, and it was back to food for
} most of the dark ages.
}
} When the Renaissance finally hit, the answer was Painting. Later on
} they decided that that was just too silly, and changed it to
} Enlightenment.
} This worked fine for the aristocracy, but, at least in France, the
} peasants revolted, and settled firmly on food again.
}
} Not too much after this, drugs spread out through Western culture.
} Some people at this time suggested that drugs were the answer, but
} Opium isn't really powerful enough to blot out all other questions, so
} it was quietly shelved for a later date.
}
} At one point this century, the proposal "Coke is it" was widely
} spread, but if Coke was it, what was New Coke? It flat and too sweet?
} No, that idea was also disregarded.
}
} In the '60s, everything disregarded came back with a vengance (except
} painting, it was still too silly) "Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll."
} The Republicans hated this (They thought the answer was Money), and
} they conspired to break the idea at its weak point; Drugs. So went the
} revisionists (who ignored the fact that George Washington grew
} Marijuana), and they outlawed drugs. Outlawing sex would have been
} nice for them, but even they realized that Republicans, at least, had
} to reproduce.
}
} In 197something, Douglas Adams decided that the answer to Life, the
} Universe and Everything was 42. Being irrational, it made it difficult
} to refute, and so was popular among young Democrats (Who had lost so
} many brain cells due to drugs that they were equally irrational), and
} science fiction fans (who were so weird that they could just accept
} it).
}
} You now see where your question fits in. Some people think that the
} solution is to legalize Drugs, and some think that the answer is 42.
} Others think it is sex, a few still believe in Coke, and food is a
} perrenial favorite. Of course the true answer is there, and has been
} for a while...
}
} The answer is....
}
} Painting. Of course.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Velvet Elvis.
--- 365-10 0026i 4.6 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh great Oracle whose keyboard never has crumbs,
> Will the USA ever go metric?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ladies and gentlemen, we are here today to determine the United States
} measurement challenge once and for all.
}
} In the blue corner we have our current US champion for many years,
} weighing in at 220.4623 pounds, our hero: Igor Imperial.
}
} In the red corner we have, weighing in at 100kg all the way from
} France, and currently storming the world wherever he goes, our
} challenger: Mean Mr Metric.
}
} It will be a great fight today and one that may change the course of
} history. Can Mean Mr Metric defeat Igor Imperial and change US life
} forever, or will Igor outwit the classy opponent and maintain his place
} in history.
}
} We are about to find out.
}
} Gentlemen, I want a clean fight. Shake hands and come out fighting on
} the bell.
}
} Round 1: "DONG"
}
} They both approach each other and meet in the middle of the ring.
} Metric has trained well and opens with the first punch:
}
} How many feet in a mile?
}
} Imperial answers after a moments hesitation with:
}
} 5280
}
} "Good exchange there Bob, hasn't worried either of them."
}
} "No Bill, it's still neck and neck, although Imperial took a fraction
} of a second to divert that question."
}
} Imperial decides to attack with a similar strategy:
}
} How many metres in a kilometre?
}
} Instantly, Metric flashes back with:
}
} 1000
}
} "Wasn't that a great counter by Metric eh Bob - so quick. He's looking
} good tonight"
}
} "Sure is Bill"
}
} Imperial goes on the attack again with a curly one:
}
} How much does a litre of water weigh?
}
} Metric comes back quickly with:
}
} 1 kilogram
}
} "Great offense from Imperial there Bob. Combining both measurement of
} mass and volume - well thought out."
}
} "Sure thing Bill, but I think he may have left himself a bit vulnerable
} here. If I can guess, Metric should follow up with..."
}
} How much does a pint of water weigh?
}
} Imperial reels back with such a tough one. He hesitates.
}
} "Thought he'd do that Bill, he's looking shaky. I wonder how he's
} trained for this?"
}
} Suddenly, Imperial's eyes light up and he comes back with:
}
} 1.0431758 pounds
}
} "Well Bob, our champ got out of that one but it was a bit messy eh?"
}
} "It was Bill. I think he was lucky there. Metric should come back with
} a tough one here if he's got it in him."
}
} As Metric prepares for an offense, the champ Imperial slips in a sneaky
} one:
}
} If 1mm of rain falls on 1 square metre of roof, how much water
} is collected?
}
} "What a shot Bob! That'll hurt him."
}
} Metric defends without a flinch:
}
} 1 litre
}
} "No Bill, Metric has trained too well and has got too much ability.
} That reply was instananeous. You know, I think he should follow the
} same strategy as before and follow up with..."
}
} If 1 point of rain falls on 1 square foot of roof, how much water is
} collected?
}
} "Imperial is down!"
}
} 1 2 3 4 5 6 7...
}
} 7.97922 fl oz
}
} "What an answer! Our boy's still got guts!"
}
} "DONG"
}
} End of Round 1.
}
} "Bill, that bell came just at the right time. This fight shouldn't last
} the next round."
}
} "You're right Bob, but that guy from France is just too good.
}
} Round 2: "DONG"
}
} Imperial comes out and slips in a gentle offense:
}
} How many grams in a kilogram?
}
} Metric defends:
}
} 1000
}
} "Playground stuff there Bob."
}
} "Yeah Bill"
}
} Metric goes for the kill:
}
} How many grains in an ounce?
}
} "Uh oh. I think this is it Bob."
}
} Imperial stutters:
}
} uuuhhhhmmmmmmm. Which system?
}
} "Oh Bill, he's answered with a question. That's not following the
} spirit of the game!"
}
} Metric replies:
}
} All three.
}
} "Curtains Bill. I'm sure."
}
} Imperial responds:
}
} Well in Avoirdupois its 437.5, in Apothecary its 480 and the other
} one is... What other one?
}
} Metric jabs:
}
} You tell me.
}
} Imperial falls to the floor.
}
} 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
}
} "Knocked out Bob!"
}
} "Yeah Bill. I guess we have to get used to the idea of a new system
} here in the US of A. This guy is a mean lean measuring machine."
}
} "Just let me interrupt you Bob, our man Leroy is down in the ring
} talking with Mean Mr Metric."
}
} "Mean Mr Metric that was an incredible last blow there. Tell me what is
} that other system"
}
} Tell you the truth, Leroy, I don't know nor care. I just know there
} are three and they are all stupid.
}
} "Interesting response there from Mean Mr Metric, Back to you Bill"
}
} "We've just got word that the judges are going to make an
} announcement..."
}
} After final discussion, the judges have decided to declare the fight
} null and void due to the fact that the win by Mean Mr Metric would mean
} that some politicians might lose the next election.
}
} You owe the Oracle a life in the dark ages.
--- 355-09 0078b 4.2 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh scrutable Oracle, without whom space would be incomprehensible,
> without whom time would be drab, do tell me this. Does one dry cup of
> rice (after being cooked) fit in a regular-size bowl?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ahh, yes -- the perennial question of rice. You are indeed priveleged,
} for the Oracle has decided to put a stop to such questions by imparting
} upon a mortal some as-yet undiscovered physics. And that mortal is you!
} This is a rare occurence -- it has happened only a few times this
} century (Einstein's question about being late for work, and Hawking's
} question about disappearing biros spring to mind) -- and thus it is
} your moral and spiritual obligation to investigate and publish these
} revelations for the benefit of all mankind.
}
} 1 Conservation of rice
} ----------------------------
} Rice exists in two distinct forms: Measured Rice (M-rice), and
} Estimated Rice (E-rice). Classically, these two satisfy a simple
} conservation equation -- at all times the total mass of M-rice and
} E-rice combined is a constant. The physical process of "cooking" (in
} all its forms -- at this level of discussion there is no distinction to
} be made between the effects of boiling, steaming and frying, although a
} relativistic formulation may require this) allows the transfer of rice
} between states.
}
} Thus M-rice obeys the law that the process of cooking will result in
} NO MORE THAN THE EXPECTED QUANTITY OF RICE BEING PRODUCED. E-rice obeys
} the converse law: NO LESS THAN THE EXPECTED QUANTITY OF RICE WILL
} RESULT. Therefor, people who go to the trouble of measuring rice
} exactly may end up with too little, and those who estimate the quantity
} required may end up with too much.
}
} Fortunately, both types of people (and, consequently, both types of
} rice) exist in abundance. This facilitates the free transfer between
} M-rice and E-rice through preparation, and the transfer of M-rice to
} E-rice through cooking.
}
} 2 Quantum Rice Transfer
} -----------------------------
} The sharp reader may have noticed a small problem above, vis. what
} happens if someone cooks some M-rice whilst no E-rice is being cooked?
} A quantum mechanical approach reveals the solution to this problem by
} allowing for "virtual rice" (V-rice) to exist in accordance with the
} uncertainty principle. For limited periods of time, the cooking of
} E-rice may result in rice increase without a corresponding rice
} decrease through the cooking of M-rice. The "rice deficit" thus
} produced must be made up through a subsequent M-rice cooking operation,
} within a time period governed by a corollory of Heisenberg's
} uncertainty principle.
}
} 3 Relativistic Rice Transfer
} ----------------------------------
} An astute analysis of the above may lead one to the conclusion that the
} transfer of M-rice in one location to E-rice in another through the
} cooking operation is instantaneous, and might thus be employed as
} a communications medium. This, of course, cannot be the case as such
} a process defies relativity. The propagation rate is finite, and is,
} of course, lower than the speed of light. Special relativity may be
} employed to draw some conclusions about rice transfer rate between
} similar cooking processes, however general relativity is required in
} order to obtain meaningful results for transfer between dissimilar
} processes (e.g. boiling and steaming).
}
} Well, that's a start for you -- there is plenty there to go on, and
} plenty more to provide material for further research. Best of luck with
} obtaining your grant!
}
} Oh, yes -- as for your original question, the answer is "it depends".
} Clearly, a cup of M-rice will easily fit into your regular-size bowl,
} however an estimated "cup" of E-rice, no matter how fine your
} judgement, will not.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of your PhD thesis upon
} completion.
--- 374-03 0168a 4.1 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Dear Miss Oracle, who owns all the particles in the world,
>
> Last week my cat returned home with a new tail.
> Yesterday, when I woke up I noticed a bright blue square on my
> left hand. This morning 5 small yellow dots appeared on my legs.
> Now there are two cows flying around my head. What is going on?
> And who are those little orange people running around?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Oh dear, you have got problems. It seems you are at the center of
} localized Reality Breakdown. Let's take this one step at a time.
}
} First of all, you seem to have Schroedinger's cat. As your physicists
} will discover in about 50 years, the resolution of that old paradox is
} "the cat is alive, but it has a new tail."
}
} You should not have noticed this discrepancy in the cat, as it could
} throw the whole timetable of scientific discovery into confusion, which
} in turn would have dramatic effects on the entire future history of the
} Universe. Small changes tend to cascade into big ones, and if left
} unchecked this would result in a box of animal crackers being elected
} president in 1996.
}
} So the Reality Adjusters (also called Quantum Mechanics) were sent to
} fix things. These are the little orange people you see. While you
} slept the night before last they attempted to remove your knowledge of
} the cat's change and disable your ability to see quantum reality. They
} thought they had succeeded, and stamped you with the Department of
} Reality Corrections seal of quality workmanship (the blue square on
} your hand).
}
} However, as with most civil servants they did a substandard job, and
} the knowledge and perception which could alter all of Creation remained
} in your head. So the Mechanics were sent to have another go at it. If
} you look at the yellow dots on your legs a little more closely, you
} will realize they have little groves in them. In fact, they are
} screws. The mechanics were in the processes of opening the access
} panels to your quantum perception center (which is in the legs, not the
} brain, for reasons too complicated to go into now). However, you woke
} up too early this morning and they had to leave without either
} correcting the problem or covering the screws back up.
}
} So now not only have you glimpsed the true workings of the Universe,
} you have seen the incompetence of those who run it. This has
} compounded the problem a billion fold, causing further breakdown in the
} structure of logic in your immediate vicinity. Hence the cows.
}
} I'm afraid this is only going to get worse. Next it will be elks
} jumping out of your breakfast cereal, your head drifting off on
} business of its own, and eventually reality will be so mucked up that
} cold fusion will work, ms-dos will become useful, and Jimmy Swaggart
} will become truly virtuous.
}
} The only way you can stop this is to dull your extra-normal perceptions
} back to the dim level that most humans live at. The Oracle would
} suggest several hours of "Brady Bunch" reruns and top-forty radio,
} which is guaranteed to knock out all those parts of your brain that
} have inconveniently started working.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large quark.
--- 372-03 00989 4.0 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> If I fell in love with you, would you promise to be true?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Oracle Form #3534992
}
}
} This is perhaps the [ ] largest duck that the Oracle has ever
} [ ] worst rash
} [X] most unexpected news
}
} received. I had [ ] Chinese for lunch today and I'm [ ] hungry again.
} [ ] diarrea all night [ ] sick as a dog.
} [X] no idea that you felt this way [X] very surprised
}
} How [ ] amazing of you to [ ] realize that! Perhaps you and I
} [ ] inexcusible [ ] give me
} [X] daring [X] ask
}
} should [ ] roast this sucker over [ ] an open fire.
} [ ] consult with a doctor [ ] at the clinic.
} [X] talk things over [X] at your place.
}
} Now, [ ] hurry up because [ ] I'm hungry!
} [ ] check yourself [ ] things might start falling off
} [X] let me know quickly, [X] I'm anxious to hear from you.
}
} Signed,
}
} The Oracle
}
} For payment you are required to [ ] bring barbaque sauce
} [ ] pay the doctor's bill.
} [X] give the Oracle a kiss.
--- 359-08 033c6 3.9 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: The Great Squid
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh oracle, all knowing, I ask of you this question that has been
> in this for some time and find myself at a loss. I heard that light is
> made of microscopic particles that have nearly no weight. But, today,
> one of my professors told me that as an object approaches the speed of
> light, it gets heavier. Well, light GOES the speed of light, so isn't
> it heavy rather that light? If so, why don't we call light "heavy"?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} That's a heavy question.
}
} Although it might be right to call light "light", it might be right not
} to call light "light". Your Professor Wright was right, light's made
} of mighty light mites, right? Right. Now light mites are light, and
} fight like mighty light mites. If one takes fright and takes flight,
} the fighting mite might follow right behind the mite with fright. If
} the fighting mite gets right up with the flighty mite, it might take a
} bite from the flighty mite's right leg, lightening the flighty mite.
} Now as the fighting mite and the flighty mite get right up to the speed
} of light, if the fighting mite likes biting the flighty might the
} flighty mite gets lighter, so it can be flightier. So when the flighty
} might is right at the speed of light it's actually quite light, right?
} Right.
}
} If light were called "heavy" I wouldn't have been able to write that
} paragraph.
}
} You owe the Oracle every light bulb joke ever. Right?
--- 366-02 1259a 3.9 -----------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh oracle, mighty oracle,
> Oh oracle, great oracle,
> Oh oracle, wise oracle,
> Oh oracle, etc oracle,
> Grant me an answer to this question, I beg of you.
>
> What is the ending to the saying which starts:
> If "if"s and "and"s were pots and pans......?
>
> Your loving supplicant,
> Me.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} If "if"s and "and"s were pots and pans
} And life a bowl of cream
} Then dictionaries would be quite strange
} And not quite all they seem
}
} The world would be rectangular
} We all would cook on gas
} Examinations would be hard
} But all of us would pass
}
} The dedicated high court judge
} Would be both just and fair
} And wouldn't ever think to mix
} Some coke with pubic hair
}
} World leaders would be quite sane
} Including T. Dan Quayle
} Saddam Hussein to insignifi-
} Cance would quickly pale
}
} The Oracle would get great praise
} And not the word "etcetera"
} Grovelling would be the norm
} (What the hell rhymes with "etcetera"?)
}
} Money would be a thing of the past
} We all would trade in cheese
} Atlantis - it would rise again
} They'd all catch colds and sneeze
}
} But "if"s and "and"s aren't pots and pans
} They're only little words
} And so we come to the end of the rhyme
} 'Twas really quite absurd.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Oxford English Dictionary in braille.
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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