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UPI - 7/20/1991
HIGH COURT STRIKES DOWN NATURE'S FIRST LAW

	In a decision sure to cause major controversy for several minutes,
the US Supreme Court struck down the First Law of Nature, judging it to be
unlawfully discriminatory.

	Though never actually written down, the First Law of Nature is
generally accepted by the American Bar Association to be, "If an individual
or collection of individuals puts into practice or causes to be put into
practice an action which, measured against the judgement of a reasonable
person, is unwise or lacking in basic common sense, then the aforementioned
individual or collection of individuals shall suffer all consequences
resulting from that action, up to and including loss of life."

	Translation:  "You do something stupid, you die."

	In a ruling handed down yesterday, George Bush's Supreme Court
ruled that such a law was too vague and unfairly discriminatory.  Justice
Rhenquist, author of the decision, wrote, "The terms 'unwise' and 'basic
common sense' are never defined anywhere, and are left to the
interpretation of the presiding judge....[which could lead] to mutiple
standards of justice." The court also felt that the penalty was too vaguely
defined and too harsh.  Writes Rhenquist, "It is theoretically possible for
an individual to lose his/her life by, for example, sticking their tongue
across a 120 volt outlet.  While such an action would clearly demand
explanation from the individual attempting it, it is not Our [sic] opinion
that such an action warrants the penalty of death, particularly if the
outlet in question lacks a label warning of such practice..."

	In striking down the First Law, the Court also mandated that steps
be taken to correct the discrimination the law imposed.  Affirmative Action
has already drafted a set of standards.  Though not final, the suggestions
include:
	o Requiring employers to hire a set percentage quota of stupid
	  people (most employers with union contracts already meet the
	  proposed standard),
	o Requiring all non-profit organizations receiving public funds (PBS,
	  National Endowment for the Arts, et al) to spend a set percentage
	  of those funds promoting stupidity (the NEA, based on recent
	  censorship mandates, already qualifies),
	o Equal time for the views of the stupid on national issues,
	o A constitutional amendment banning discrimination based on
	  stupidity, and
	o A national TV and press campaign to raise the nation's awareness
	  of the plight of stupid people (the draft suggests the slogan,
	  "Stupid Is Beautifull [sic]").

	When interviewed, Dan Quayle said, "It's the most significant step
forward this country has taken since Neil Diamond set foot on the moon."

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