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My mother sent this form letter to me when I was having a really bad
time with my thesis.  I don't know where it came from, she says it was
already ancient when SHE went to school...

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college.  I have been remiss in
writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before.
I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down.  You
are not to read any further unless you are sitting down...  Okay???

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now.  The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it 
caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now.  I only
spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only
get three headaches a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the
Fire Department and the ambulance.  He also visited me at the hospital, and
since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough
to invite me to share his apartment with him.  It's really a basement room,
but it is kind of cute.  He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in 
love and are planning to get married.  We haven't set the exact date yet, but
it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant.  I know how much you are looking forward
to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same
love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.  The reason
for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection 
which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly
caught it from him.  This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I
am now taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms.  He is kind and
although not well educated, he is ambtious.  Although he is of a different 
race and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit
you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than 
ours.  I am sure you will love him as I do.  His family background is good, too
for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in 
Africa from which he comes.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no
dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in
the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and
there is no schwartze in my life.....  However, I am getting a "D" in History
and an "F" in Science.... and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper
perspective
                                              Your loving daughter,

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