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This is original.  I thought it up in the shower just before Fireworks
Day.  This guide includes only those holidays I have the priviledge to
observe.
 

Modern American Guide to National Holidays
------------------------------------------
 
Holiday:        Hangover Day
Date:           January 1st
Purpose:        This day is used by many to recover from hangovers that
                were acquired as a result of excessive partying the
                night before.
 
Holiday:        Savings Extravaganza Day
Date:           Third Monday of February
Purpose:        This day is used by merchants across the land to put
                everything they have in stock on sale.  I think the
		merchants are just longing for the booming pre-Presents 
		Day season when they have these sales in February.
 
Holiday:        Gardening Day
Date:           Fourth Monday of May
Purpose:        On this day, millions of surburbanites flock to their
                local garden centers to purchase plants to make their
                yards more cheery.  In northern climes, it is also know
                as Tomato Transplanting Day, as there is little chance
                of frost damage after this date.
 
Holiday:        Fireworks Day
Date:           July 4th
Purpose:        Fireworks fill the skies on this day as neighbors
                alienate each other by setting off firecrackers and
                shooting bottle rockets back and forth.  Extra
                friendship points are acquired by continuing the
                barrage after midnight.
 
Holiday:        Kiss Summer Goodbye Day
Date:           First Monday after the first Sunday of September
Purpose:        Millions of city dwellers flock to the country to enjoy
                one last weekend of fun-in-the-sun before cruel winter
                arrives.
 
Holiday:        Turkey Day
Date:           Fourth Thursday of November
Purpose:        Forcing massive quantities of food (especially turkey)
                into your stomach is the theme for this day.  Many males
                and some females waste the afternoon away by watching
                football - if they can stay awake with all that food in
                their bellies.
 
Holiday:        Mall Day
Date:           Friday after Turkey Day
Purpose:        Malls are overflowing with zillions of shoppers who have
                nothing else to do on this usually miserable day in late
                fall.  This day marks the first day of the pre-Presents
                Day shopping spree.  Merchants have been trying to get
                this day moved to sometime in October, but they have had
                little luck in doing so despite the fact that they put
                up Presents Day decorations earlier each year.
 
Holiday:        Presents Day
Date:           December 25th
Purpose:        This day is the hands-down favorite of kids across the
                land.  It usually starts at about 5:00 AM if children
                live in the house.  Kids tear into huge mounds of
                presents the have been lying underneath a gaudily
                decorated evergreen tree as soon as they can convince
                their tired parents to get up.  The house is usually
                totally trashed by tons of gift wrapping by 8:00.  Most
                of the cheaply built toys the children just had to have
                are no longer in working condition after sundown.
  

---
Marshall
Arvada, CO

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